Remembering My Darling Mum on Her One Year Anniversary

Remembering My Darling Mum

on Her One Year Anniversary

Mum, my grief is a reminder of the impermanence of your unique life

with every inhale and exhale

I face with the brutal reality that you will never share this air with me again

My Dearest Darling Mum

Ma, one year ago today, my life was divided, and forever imprinted with a before and after timestamp, the first 49 years 10 months 7 days of my life, that I had been spent taking my relationship with you for granted, despite the fact that I loved you dearly and cherished you deeply, but I just believed that you were invincible and would always be there for me in my whole life, and then on that fateful day on 04 October 2022, the after part of my life began, and that heartbreaking day began the worst year of my entire existence, and the part of my life, when I no longer had you, my dearest darling Mum

Ma, one year on, I see your sudden passing as a defining moment in my life, the moment my life changed irrevocably, and in that one single damn moment, when time stood still, I was given new eyes and senses, because things looked and smelt differently than they did before, it has changed me, shaped me, swamped me, and it has taken my wounded heart hostage, the past memories otherwise innocuous, became too painful, since they are what was before it all happened, before grief came knocking at my door, I know it would change my future, but I never thought it would change the past too

Ma, people often warn about the year of firsts after losing their loved ones, because those firsts are annual, monumental, and inaugural, such as your first birthday, my first birthday, first Christmas, New Year, Chinese New Year, and Mother’s Day, when we went through all the firsts in your indefinite physical absence, I was brought right back to my knees, flood of tears streaming down my face, completely unstoppable, uncontrollable and unbearable, as the year of firsts was unrelenting in the ways, it broke my heart over and over again, never for a moment letting me forget what I had lost one year ago

Ma, you were there for all my firsts in the first years of my life, my first tooth, my first steps, and my first words, when I grew up, you were there once again for the next lots of my firsts, my first day at school, my first award, and my first graduation, all my firsts, since you were always there to support me, to cheer me on, and to protect me, except you were not there for the biggest one, my first real heartbreak, it appeared from the very moment that I could not wake you up for I thought you were sleeping, one year ago, your unexpected departure stole pieces of my being and fragments of my soul, for good

Ma, I was not only overwhelmed by those huge first days, because of the enormity of your loss, one year ago, but there were also millions of small moments that took me by storm in their swift and piercing cruelty, the first time I picked up my empty lunchbox, it hit me damn hard and reminded me that you were there to cook my work lunch every morning no more, the first time we came home after work, it hurt us so damn badly, as we realised you were there to open the door for us with your smiling face every day no more, we were living with those constant and endless reminders of you each damn day

Ma, I remember that excruciating day one year ago, I was wondering that how I was going to tell our families and your friends about your unexpected and abrupt passing, how I was going to write a special tribute and give a speech about your unique and beautiful life, and how I was going to get through all those firsts without you, to be perfectly honest, I am still not so damn sure how I did, somehow, I survived, and I survived the whole damn year, all the firsts passed, and I lived, even though not always so gracefully, but I am still here alive, battling and standing, in this weird and lonely place called grief

Ma, it has been one whole damn year since you departed from this earth, we are onto year two now in your indefinite physical absence, it seems like a century and a flash, an eternity and a nanosecond, and it feels like millions lifetimes away and just happened yesterday at the same time, but I am still finding it just impossible to speak about you in past tense, and accepting that you are here with us no more, I am still unable to talk about you without my eyes filling up with tears, and my heart aching all over again, and I am still having so much troubles to even admitting the reality of you are gone, forever