The Fourth New Year Without Mum, Our Forever Queen

The Fourth New Year Without Mum

Our Forever Queen

Mum, you are still our brightest light, our forever queen

so, for Auld Lang Syne, for the sake of old times, we will love you endlessly

beyond time, beyond distance, beyond words

Happy New Year Our Purple Queen

Ma, another New Year has arrived, the fourth one without you, and still, it feels unthinkable to step into another year knowing you would not be there to greet it with your radiant smile, for so many, the air is thick with the promise of new beginnings, but for us, it has become a sacred, aching archive of memories where the present feels subdued and the past plays in vibrant, technicolour loops, time keeps moving forward mercilessly, but a part of us are still standing in that moment, when we had to learn how to face the world in your absence, and our hearts still hurt in the same familiar way, no matter where we are, or what we do, every celebration feels like a melody missing its most beautiful note, that no fireworks, no music, and no travel can ever fill

 

Ma, our celebrations were never small, as I think back to all the New Years we shared, we were citizens of the world on this night, we dressed up, sipped champagne, feasted on the glamorous, decadent gala dinners under chandeliers, found the perfect vantage point, toes in the warm sand, waiting for the sky to tear open with light, and we chased the countdown across time zones, you loved the excitement of it all, the laughter, the sparkle, the promise of hope, because you were always the heart of the celebration, and you made every place feel like home, every moment feel special, but now, it does not feel right for us to celebrate without your cheerful presence lighting up the night, since the heart of it, is absent, and the festival is missing its core

 

Ma, there was a time, when New Year’s was our spectacle, it was your night, every year, I still so vividly picture you exactly as you were - our queen, as it was a production, a global stage for you to emerge, not just dressed up like royalty, but also resplendent, glowing with elegance and joy, you were an empress in a million dollars' worth of grace and style, ready to command the night with your dazzling smile, and your trademark zest, you were always the most beautiful lady in the room, you never needed the finest jewels, or gowns to shine, because your beauty came from within, you had that rare magic, that effortless energy that made everyone around you feel alive, you did not just attend a celebration, you became it, you were the celebration 

 

Ma, you understood that a celebration was never about the price tag or anything fancy, but the principle, because, the principle was celebration, the principle was vitality, the principle was greeting the future, not with trepidation, but with open, glittering arms, you would have been in your element tonight, however, the celebration now feels like a performance where the lead actor has left the stage, as there is no glorious smile to catch across the table that could make everything instantly brighter, no infectious laughter that could make a stranger cheering from three tables away, no joyful tone that could turn even ordinary moments into something worth celebrating, the world feels darker, as if someone turned down the master switch on its effulgence 

 

Ma, the true heart of the night, your favourite part, came after the countdown, a breathless, silent moment, as the first rocket streaked upwards, and then, boom, your face would tilt to the sky, illuminated by a thousand fleeting suns, a picture of pure delight, next, the familiar, melancholic notes would drift through the air, Auld Lang Syne began to play, as we swayed together, and that was your moment, arms around us, eyes shining, hearts full, and a glass raised to life, and all the magnificent memories we had made, that song will always belong to you, it was your melody of love and hope, but with the echo of that same sorrowful tune, it is now a direct line to the core of our grief, it is the sound of your absence, and it is the anthem of all we have lost 

 

Ma, we are traveling once more this year, just like we used to, our passports are stamped, our suitcases are unpacked, the same skies, the same lights, but the feeling has changed, it is so profoundly different now, we stand in a crowd, feeling a universe of solitude, we find ourselves looking for you everywhere, we look at the empty space, our ache is a phantom pain of the heart, the fireworks will explode, but they feel distant, like a show happening on the other side of a soundproof window, untouchable, the colours are breathtaking, but they do not light up your face beside us, and then, the song, Auld Lang Syne, that asks, “should old acquaintance be forgot?" Oh, the answer is a resounding, painful no, we will not forget, we will remember you, Ma 

 

Ma, what we have agonisingly learned is, our queen may have left the ball, but your legacy of celebration is etched into our soul, your fierce commitment to joy is now our inheritance, four New Years without you, but not a single one without love, you taught us to live fully, to celebrate exquisitely, to love deeply, to appreciate beauty in all its forms, even though, our hearts ache, we will try to honour you in little ways, by wearing something you would have loved, as the clock strikes midnight, we will raise a glass, not to the present, but to a zillion scintillating past, to you, and to a love that defies the turning of calendars, and the falling of fireworks, we will whisper Happy New Year to the stars, so for us, tonight will always be an Auld Lang Syne for you