My Fourth Birthday Without My Mum: A Letter to the Love That Never Left

My Fourth Birthday Without My Mum:

A Letter to the Love That Never Left 

Mum, thank you for the immeasurable gift of life

thank you for the love that shaped me, so profoundly that

it became indistinguishable from my own core

Happy Birthday to us, My Darling Ma

Ma, today is my birthday, the fourth one without you, even writing those words feels foreign and strange, as if time has moved forward but my heart has stayed behind, waiting for you, birthdays once held such joy, such warmth, such simplicity, when you were here, since you were always the first to hold me, to protect me, to love me, and you were the reason, I had a birthday at all, the lady, who carried me into this world, who shaped every heartbeat, that has ever followed, who made every year feel meaningful just by being part of it, and yet on days like today, it hurts so damn hard, the pain hums quietly beneath everything, because how can this day meant to celebrate my life, not ache for you who gave it to me? 

 

Ma, today, I find myself thinking of my birthdays before, the ones, where your joy outshone the candles, because your happiness came simply from seeing me happy, and you always made me feel special, no matter how ordinary the day was, this fourth birthday without you where the world expects a celebration, but all I feel is the profound, echoing silence, where your radiant presence should be, the world has a vocabulary for this, it says you are gone, but I am your daughter, and I know the magnificent, eternal truth, because my bones know better, my breath knows better, my soul knows better, my heart knows a different language that defies the dictionary and scoffs at the laws of physics that speak of vanishing 

 

Ma, it is a law I did not understand until you left this physical plane so unexpectedly, as my bones, which you built from the very stuff of your own body, carrying the memory of you in their very marrow, remembering the strength of your arms that lifted me up from countless falls, the solidness of your lap that was my first throne, and the backbone you showed me, not with lectures, but with a million silent acts of endurance, when life was hard, the way I walk through the world is a path you first carved for me, when I stand firm in a storm, it is a skeleton of your resilience around my spirit, because my bones, do not just ache with your absence, but vibrate with your presence, a building does not forget its foundation

 

Ma, my breath, which you heard as my first cry, now catches sometimes in a sob that feels like it belongs to both of us, there are moments, in the quietest parts of the morning, when a memory of you would surface, the way you laughed with your head thrown back, and my breath catches, it is not a catch of sorrow, not always, but it is the catch of recognition, it is the intimate understanding, that the very air I breathe is still shared with you, when anxiety threatens to steal my air, I find that ancient rhythm, I close my eyes, it is there, your breath on my cheek, since your love became the atmosphere of my life, the oxygen for my soul, I inhale it with every gasp and sigh, as long as I am breathing, you are a part of me

 

Ma, my soul knows that what we had, was never a temporary contract, bound by the limits of a physical lifetime, as we are connected by a thread that was spun long before I took my first breath, and one that the scissor of your sudden loss, was not sharp enough to cut, it is a golden, shimmering thread, woven from a gazillion shared moments, a thousand lessons and one majestic, everlasting love, and that kind of bond does not break, but it transcends, it evolves, because you are a frequency, my soul is permanently tuned to, I feel you in the inexplicable warmth that wraps around me, I hear you in the intuitive nudge that guides me toward a right decision, I see you in the beauty of your garden, and you are here

 

Ma, my heart, which learned to love by being loved by you, beats a rhythm you composed, this messy, bruised, yet achingly beating heart, it is the organ that feels your absence most acutely, a physical pang on this day, but it is also a container for a rare kind love, that could only have come from you, it is a love that carries your signature, it is a love that was strong and tender, fierce in its protection, gentle in its comfort, and unwavering in its belief in me, I am a vessel for the love you started, I am a tributary of your great river, this love, your love did not evaporate, it became the very muscle itself, which is now, and forever, my greatest inheritance and my most sacred responsibility to tend to it, to let it grow within me

 

Ma, today, on my fourth birthday without your physical presence, I will not pretend, I will let the tears come, I will let the ache be present, it is the shape of you inside me, I will not only mourn what I cannot see, but I will also celebrate what I can so painfully feel, I will feel you in my bones, I will breathe you in, I will listen to the safe drum of you in my heart, I will trust the knowing of my soul, so happy birthday to us, my darling Ma, the lady who gave me life, and the daughter who will honour that gift for the rest of hers, I thank you for leaving traces of yourself so deep within me, that your abrupt absence revealed them in brilliant relief, as you are the beginning of my story and you will be part of it until my very last breath