Nine Months Without My Inspiring Mum

Nine Months Without My Inspiring Mum

Grief after such a profound loss is not a linear journey

but a complex and personal process

and there is no right or wrong way to navigate it

My Precious Mum

Ma, I would love to tell you that after spending 9 months without you, the excruciating pain is getting easier, but it is just simply not true, in many ways, it actually is getting harder and harder as the months go on, as I reflect on the reality of life that another month without you has passed and how much time has gone by since you were physically here

Ma, it completely takes me aback, when I think about how much you have been missed by us all, and how much more you are going to continue to be missed as times go by, since it seems that with every day, week, and month that passes, the void that you left the day you were taken away from us so unexpectedly and so suddenly, only gets bigger

Ma, 9 long despairing months on, I have been saying that nothing will ever fill the massive gap you left, I would not ever want anything to, and the enormous hole, there is no person could ever fill and nothing could ever replace, as there is no relationship or bond as unique and strong as ours, I do not believe I will ever have it with anyone else again

Ma, I have been coping with my grief and surviving so far, but it does not mean that I have not feeling a sharp pain with waves of jealously, every time I see someone drinks a cup of coffee and enjoys time with their mothers, as matter of fact, those small and simple things are the ones that hit me the hardest, because I have never ever felt so alone

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Ma, it has been 9 months since you slept in your sweet dreams, as I have been constantly getting lost in the “what-ifs” and “if-onlys” as I attempt to imagine what our lives would look like right now, if we have not been missing such a huge piece of our hearts, as every damn month leaves me contemplating and yearning for you to be here, even more

Ma, despite the fact I have been learning how to live with this new normal in your indefinite absence, it is sad to say, the void that was left the moment you departed from this earth, is still siting here and will continue to sit empty, and will be unable to be filled for as long as I live, a void so big and so deep that only your unconditional love could ever fill

Ma, I tell you these, just to let you know how much of an impact losing you have on my life, a part of me was lost the moment, when we received that awful phone call 9 months ago, I have been wondering if I will ever get it back since then, that piece might be with you right now, wherefore, someday you can put it back in me and I will be whole again