Living in Fear: 28 Months Without My Darling Mum

Living in Fear:

28 Months Without My Darling Mum

Mum, I have learned that fear is

an inevitable part of loving you so dearly

because I know how much love can hurt when it is taken away

My Amazing Mum

Ma, it has been 28 months since you unexpectedly departed from this world, yet the damn pain of your absence has not diminished, if anything, it has shifted, evolved into something heavier, something harder to articulate, beyond my grief, I have found myself consumed by an ever-growing list of fears, a new, unwelcome companion that shadows every moment, a quiet, gnawing fear that seeps into every corner of life, and a brutal reminder of how fragile life can be, how easily love can be taken away, and how deeply loss can scar the soul, this fear has been so damn exhausting, because at its core, I fear everything now

Ma, fear was not something I knew this intimately 28 months ago, but now, in your physical absence, life itself has become a damn source of anxiety, since I fear the passage of time, I fear the unknown, the uncontrollable, and the inevitable, I fear change, the future, and the idea of continuing on without you, I fear losing someone else I love, I fear your memory will fade, I fear moving forward because it feels like leaving you behind, I fear staying still, as if I am failing to live the life you wanted for me, most of all, I fear your love becomes a distant echo, something I could no longer feel or hold onto, so I fear, I fear, I just fear

Ma, one of my greatest fears is forgetting you, I worry that as the days turn into weeks, the weeks into months, and the months into years, the sharpness of your essence will recede, the vividness of your presence will be lost, right now, it feels impossible, in the rawness of your absence, to imagine that your voice could ever decay into a silence, or your presence could ever blur in my mind, but I know time has a damn cruel way of softening the edges, I fear that the details of you will slip away, one by one, until all I am left with, are shadows of who you were, and this is a bloody fear, that has gripping my heart like a vice

Ma, for these past 28 months, I have been terrified that one day I will wake up and struggle to clearly picture your cheerful face, to recall the exact tone you used to call my nickname, the way you looked at me with affection and tenderness, to remember the radiance of your smile, the sound of your laughter, or the warmth of your touch, as memories of you are my most precious treasure, but with each passing day, I fear that will grow more fragile, like an old photograph losing its clarity, because the very thought of forgetting, even a fragment of your memory feels so unbearable, so deplorable, like losing you all over again

Ma, more than anything, I fear I will fail to recollect what it felt like to be loved by you, since your love was the purest, most unconditional love I have ever known, your love was like no other, so boundless, so unwavering, and so deeply rooted in who you were, therefore, I try to keep you alive in my heart, by replaying our moments together in my head, by revisiting your words, your little habits, by cling to your photos, videos, and stories, over and over, so desperately hope to preserve them, but the harder I endeavour to hold onto each memory, the more elusive it seems, like grains of sand that slipping through my fingers

Ma, losing you suddenly 28 months ago, has made me hesitant to trust the permanence of anything, as grief has taught me how devastating loss can be, and having experienced the excruciating pain of your absence, which has awakened a paralysing fear of losing another loved one, and it has also planted a damn seed of constant dread in questioning whether it is worth investing in new relationships, opening my heart, when the potential for loss looms so large, and so, I cannot help but want to protect myself from the possibility of future grief, of going through that heartache again, because I just cannot shake off the fear

Ma, living with this much fear has been wearying for the last 28 months, as I know the fear is a prison, an irrational thought, but it lingers nonetheless, since every moment tinged with the awareness that it could be the last, however, I am slowly learning that it does not mean weakness, but it stems from the deep, unshakable love I have for you and the ache of your absence, as much as I fear forgetting you, I know deep down, it is impossible, I know your love is embedded in every part of me, and it is stronger than fears, in the end, love is what matters most, love is worth the risk, the pain, the fear, and you taught me that