First New Year Without My Mum

First New Year Without My Mum

In every milestone

and each new endeavour

I carry your legacy

an eternal tether

Happy New Year Mum!

Ma, New Years' Eve used to be the day that you love so much, especially when “Auld Lang Syne” started playing after the countdown at midnight, as not only it is a unique kind of magic where, just for a moment, the past and the future exist at once in the present, but also it marks the moment of hope for an opportunity to make all that was wrong, right

Ma, BUT what is this New Year when none of the wrongness of losing you can be made right??? What is NEW about a year when the one thing that we wish to change, the one thing that I would give my life to change, cannot be changed or undone, no matter how many New Year’s resolutions I make, as this year is the worst year of my entire life???

Ma, this very first New Year without you, we are giving ourselves permission to grieve for the immeasurable love you gave us, as it is extremely hard to live each day as it comes, when we are grieving, so it is utterly daunting to face a whole damn new year stretching out in front of us, and we will have to confront a new 365-day period of admitting our lack

Ma, New Year is just another painful reminder that we could do without, another slap in the face, that it will be 365 more excruciating days of living in the utter darkness without you, battling the heartless cliches thrown our way, listening to people’s bullshit about “time heals all wounds”, and surviving the endless seconds, minutes, hours, days, and months

Ma, never before have we felt the world move on its axis so profoundly, as holiday season does not end when we are mourning the lose our beloved ones, and as the world around us celebrates moving forward from one year’s date to the next, we will have to endure the agonising pain and face the devastating reality that you will never “touch” the new year

Ma, our current unbearable and unforgiving experience of emptiness and loneliness has making us so reluctant to embrace a new year, since we are so not comfortable with the way it is making you a part of history, as you are everywhere and nowhere this New Year, and the one and only wish on our New Year’s list is to meet you again in the great beyond