First 12 Months of My Grief Journey

First 12 Months of My Grief Journey

Grief has been a silent loyal companion

on my life journey without you for very first time

as it has been always here, and never truly disappearing

My Beautiful Mum & Me

Month 1 (04 October 2022 - 03 November 2022)

1.07am, Tuesday, 04 October 2022, this precise moment, the worst moment, changed my life irrecoverably forever, from the change of my heart’s composition to the hole it carved in my soul, since hope could no longer carry us when the chance of a miracle was so brutally stolen from us, and so abruptly diminished, the cruel reality of my beautiful Mum departed from this world, found me so unexpectedly and so damn soon, I started living in this before and after perspective from that dreadful moment on

Month 2 (04 November 2022 - 03 December 2022)

The rest of the world moved on, as soon as the celebration service of her unique life over, I was left alone to face the insufferable and unalterable reality that she will never ever return although I was kept fully occupied by all of the tasks required to legally declare she inhabit on this earth no more, but the longer I spent dealing in the business of her devastating loss the longer the delay for me to realise the inevitable reality of she was really gone, as it was so damn hard for me to take one moment to mourn

Month 3 (04 December 2022 - 03 January 2023)

This used to be the happiest times of the year for us as family, as we gathered to celebrate her birthday, Christmas, my birthday, and New Year, from different parts of the world, when those firsts arrived at a rapid pace one after another in such a short period of time, so soon after she slept in her sweet dreams forever, I was utterly overwhelmed with the enormity of her physical absence, especially on my milestone birthday, the day the greatest lady of my whole lifetime, gave me birth, somehow, I survived

Month 4 (04 January 2023 - 03 February 2023)

Now that calendar turned into a brand new year, yet, the excruciating loss of her remained, and I had to continue to confront another huge challenge, the biggest festival Chinese New Year, since grief had been tremendously intense and immensely painful for me, as I always used to being the strong one, who kept everything together in the toughest of times, hence I might had appeared as solid and stable, whilst I carried out all the responsibilities, but I in fact, felt completely the opposite on the inside of me

Month 5 (04 February 2023 - 03 March 2023)

Once the initial shock and disbelief of sudden loss of her wore off, there was that period of time I was just sitting there silently, smoking cigarettes endlessly, and staring aimlessly, as time became immeasurable, as I powerlessly could not go back to my old life, the one with her and her unconditional love in it, but I helplessly had not found the new normal neither, I was trying hard to figure out who I was, and what my life was going to become without her wisdom and guidance, during those my darkest hours

Month 6 (04 March 2023 - 03 April 2023)

Grief teared me apart and stripped me of normalcy, as I kept reliving what happened to my Mum, and the precious two weeks we spent at home together, prior to that fateful day, she did everything she could, she used every ounce of her last strength until her last breath, to nurture me after my serious illness, even in my sleep, there was no escape from this cruel reality of her indefinite absence, consequently, grief attached its constant pain, unbearable hurt, and immense ache to every aspect of my lives

Month 7 (04 April 2023 - 03 May 2023)

Grief was particularly hard for me, who had to take care of everything, and attempted to be resilient in my deepest sorrow, as I put on armour to deflect my daily emotional battles, but grief bleed from the inside out, since no amount of steel could stop it from seeping through eventually, I inevitably felt so enormously heavy that I did not know how I could continue to carry it anymore, I sobbed uncontrollably in my seat, for three bloody hours on a four hours flight to our first Easter weekend break without her

Month 8 (04 May 2023 - 03 June 2023)

Grief was raw, messy, chaos, dismal, bereft, irreparable, and personal, and it ranged from lurking just over my shoulder, to smothering me so damn heavily that I thought I was never again came up for air, as it made me utterly exhausted, it made me incredibly anxious, and it made me extremely disoriented, I lost days and weeks at a time, while I drifted through it, functioned only enough to be what I needed and nothing else, and the thought of following her, and being with her again, frequented my mind

Month 9 (04 June 2023 - 03 July 2023)

Grief mercilessly made each of my breath and my step felt like such a massive effort, that a constant reminder of the tremendous weight of her absence, I carried in those long dark days, I escaped to empty rooms to cry, so that my darling husband did not have to see me fall apart, as I did not want to burden him more than I already did, and I would not be here still standing without his love, his support and his care, by giving me the time and space to grieve, to keep her memories alive in our daily lives

Month 10 (04 July 2023 - 03 August 2023)

As time unfolded, I could still hear her voice and see her smiling face every single day, and walked through the house we shared together in those 16 wonderful years, every corner of each room evoked vivid memories of her, our chats, our jokes, and even our arguments, it was those small and simple things, that I took for granted most of the time, in which I found hitting me the hardest and the most, and staying with me the longest and the deepest, so I discovered grief touched every damn part of my life

Month 11 (04 August 2023 - 03 September 2023)

No matter how many days, weeks, and months had passed by, since she wondered away, grief came at me with all the force, fierceness and intensity at any given moment, as it was so noticeable and so mighty, so much so that, I was never be prepared for its brutality and persistence, even though I once was very strong, the devastating effects of losing her, had almost broken and destroyed me, nevertheless, I considered myself to be so stubborn and so damn proud for therapy or to join support group

Month 12 (04 September 2023 - 03 October 2023)

What started off as survival mode, when I was suddenly faced with the damn cold fact, the precious lady who taught me everything, the special lady who was here every single day of my life, is no more, the months went by fast, but the days were long without her, as I could not even remember most days how I got here, somehow, I kept surviving, which made me feeling like both a victory and a betrayal, so I will continue to celebrate her unique life, and carry her love and legacy, that she now left behind