Eight Months Without My Awesome Mum

Eight Months Without My Awesome Mum

I navigate the world with a motherless heart

drawing strength from

treasured memories we shared

a precious art

Mum & Philip

Ma, it has been 8 months since I became a motherless daughter, and I started questioning and wondering things I never ever imagined I would, things I could not even think of whilst you were still around and perhaps never would have till after I lost you so unexpectedly, as I was struck with an insatiable hunger and a longing for the physical presence of you

Ma, I have been hungrier than I knew was possible, and what I longed for was something I could not have, I remember the intensity of what that grief felt like 8 months ago, my empty heart physically hurt and ached, every breath took me huge efforts, and every thought was wrapped me in this hurricane of bereavement, as I was no longer whole from then on

Ma, only a motherless daughter knows the searing heartache in forever wondering what it could have been, as I have been wondering so many things about you ever since the day I lost you so abruptly, I have been wondering you would still be here if you could, and I have been wondering if you knew just how much I loved you and how strong our bond was

Ma, 8 motherless months on, I have been incessantly wondering where you are, a million times a day from the very second you left and all the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months after you are gone, it is as if the day you departed you went so far away that I cannot even make my memories remember the feel of your embrace or the warmth in your silence

Ma, I have been wondering if you are somewhere close by or really in the back of beyond, since I can feel it both ways, as if one minute, I have to catch my breath for the reason that I have just seen your smiling face with your signature wave, and I am feeling you so near it is as if I could touch you, and then the next moment, it is as if I cannot sense you at all

Ma, I have been wondering if you hear me through my tears and emotions, when the tears are falling so hard and I have to gather myself to call your name, I have been wondering if you notice I am looking at everywhere and searching for you, I have been wondering if you know how much I miss you and how the days feel like years without you here with me

Ma, I have been motherless for 8 months now, and this motherless life has been extremely challenging, thus I have been wondering if you even remember me and you have not been forgetting me your darling daughter at all, that your love is forever, because it has been too long since I spoke with you, and I have been wondering if you wait to meet me again

Ma, one day I realised that it is alright to wonder, but I learned that you does not wonder at all, even before you left me, you knew a part of you would always stay alive in me, despite the fact I will always wonder where you are, nevertheless, I had ultimately understood that you are right, as I am forever your daughter and that is something you knew all along