52 Weeks Without My Dearest Mum

Grief changed me at a fundamental level

as it altered the way I see the world

the way I relate to others

and the way I understand myself

Ma, 52 long weeks on, I recall that heart wrenching moment when we received that awful phone call at 1.07am on Tuesday 04 October 2022, the one that completely shattered my life as I knew it, as you were taken from us, less than two days after you suffered a major stroke, and it was so unexpected and so sudden, so much so that, I felt furiously fast and out-of-body, like watching anguished characters in a horror movie caught me so unaware

Ma, I was so not prepared, I was so not ready, and I was so not damn all right, as that one horrendous moment, 52 weeks ago today, brought me to my knees, I was utterly wrecked, completely broken, and totally devastated, I could not breathe, I could not shed tears, and I could not even put into words what I was thinking or feeling in that the worst moment of my entire existence, and I was so shocked with sheer disbelief - what the hell just happened?

Ma, I remember that excruciating morning 52 weeks ago, the catastrophic loss of you was so damn hard for me to face, as I felt time slowed to a snail’s pace, the brutal reality could not sink in, and I just wanted to crawl into a hole or cave to hide, to escape, and stay there forever, because that was not how it was supposed to be, we were supposed to have more time, so much more time with you, and I always believed that you would have lived forever

Ma, “how come you are here with us no more?”, I have been repeating these words in my head millions times every single damn day ever since you slept in your sweet dreams, but I am not feeling any more probable now than it did when I asked this to myself for the very first time, 52 weeks ago, how an unique life, so full of joy could end so abruptly? as it feels impossible that a huge heart, full of love could simply stopped beating, but somehow it did

Ma, 52 week ago, you were so healthy, so active, and so very much alive, as alive as I am right now, you were not old enough to depart, and I am still so damn young to lose you and Dad, but those truths did not keep me away from this cruel reality, that the two people, who loved me unconditionally in my whole life, are no longer here, subsequently, I have aged a decade in the period of time immediately following the profound loss of you my darling Ma

Ma, I still did things on the very day that I lost you, the greatest lady I ever had in my life 52 weeks ago, my husband and I have our own business, so I had to keep going, at the same time, I spent a lot of time questioning reality, as I kept trying to force myself to wake up out of that intensely realistic nightmare, however, it took me a very damn long time to accept it was so bloody real, nevertheless, I still cannot believe or accept that you are here no more

Ma, 52 weeks ago today, it was so unfathomable for me to think about how I was going to survive the next few hours or the next few days without you, as you were the one and only person who was with me my whole damn life, even though I was an adult before your loss, but I was never truly grown up and I was your baby daughter, because I always knew I had you and your pure love, so I was so damn petrified I would continue to live in your absence