45 Weeks Without My Darling Mum

Grief, an intricate journey of emotions

paints an unseen landscape that

only those who have experienced it can truly understand

Ma, ever since your unique life cut short so abruptly 45 weeks ago, everything seemed so wrong, and the sadness can hit me and knock me on the floor anytime, I often hear things like “be grateful, you had a wonderful time with her”, indeed, I had 49 years 10 months and 7 days with you my darling Ma, but many people get 50 plus years with their Mums or both of their parents, unfortunately, I did not get that, I will never get that

Ma, I know it is so dam true, the old adage “one day at a time”, it might see me through my darkest hours, but I was wondering that if I live to be the age you were, and then I will have to live almost 30 years in your absence, how is it possible that I could do that? how could I possibly survive near 3 decades without you? I am not so damn sure you my beautiful Ma, who I can live without, though the world keeps telling me otherwise

Ma, grief is so damn hard, as your indefinite physical absence has been caging me in utter agony, pain, and endless heartache for the past 45 weeks, people say it gets easier, but it hurts me so bloody badly, they keep telling me that “your mum would not like seeing you to be sad”, but I want you to tell me this in person, and I so wish that you are still here with us right now, so I could tell you that, a Mum is irreplaceable for a child

Ma, I am often told how you are happier in wherever you are now, but if am so totally damn honest, that never makes me feel any better nor gives me any comfort, since I do not want you to be happier wherever you may be, but I just want to have you back in our day-to-day lives, I want to see your radiant smile, I want to hear your distinctive voice, I want you to be here for all the birthdays, and life milestones, no matter big or small