400 Days Without My Cherished Mum

When grief suddenly arrived

it felt like an earthquake

shaking the foundation of my whole world

Ma, losing you my darling Ma so shockingly and so damn soon 400 days ago, have taught me that society often does us all grievers, a grave injustice, by implying that mourning the loss of a loved one, has a distinct beginning, middle, and end, perpetuating a very harmful misconception, unfortunately, this journey of grief is an ongoing process, and a continuous dance with the precious memory of you

Ma, the harsh reality that people are so quick to judge a book by its cover, without actually knowing or understanding the pain, suffering, and agony I have been going through in the past 400 dark days, but the brutal reality that my heartache of your physical absence has remained as poignant as ever, and your devastating passing left me with a damn hurt that only grows deeper and deeper with time

Ma, in these 400 days without you, I have been experiencing the depths of loss in ways, I could not have imagined, since it is not just the heartbreaking loss of your loving presence, but also the excruciating loss of your love, your support, and your protection, every single day, I have been dying inside and losing control, emotionally and mentally, because I lost so damn very much in such horrible ways

Ma, grief has been an endless demonstration of what I had 400 days ago, and what I have lost since, you my beautiful Ma, as it has been in the photographs, the mementos, and the cherished memories that I hold so damn dear, it has been in the little things that bring back waves of emotion, and the quiet moments when I so long to hear your voice, nevertheless, the weight of my grief has not crippled me

Ma, it has been 400 long motherless days, since we saw your cheerful smile, I still cannot come to terms with the painful reality that you will not be a part of my future, and you were denied the right to be in our lives, but I know that the way I miss you so damn very much is a reflection of the endless pure love, you managed to pour out onto me unreservedly in the 49 priceless years, I had with you together

Ma, there is so damn very much you have not been here for, and there has been so damn much you should be here for, in the past 400 days, every day is another day of firsts, every week, every month, and every year is another set of firsts, memories, and experiences you did not get to be here for, so I wonder what things would be like if I still have you, a mother, that I envy so damn very much about others

Ma, no matter how damn hard I have been trying to look to the positive side, in the last 400 days, and what is ahead of me without you here, lamentably grief has been my unwelcome bedfellow, during this very testing and demanding journey, since it sneaks in quietly when I least expect it, it never announces itself, but just floods in like an unhinged well, covers me in its damn wet, with untold messy thoughts