365 Days Without My Beautiful Mum

Grief has been making each of my breath feel like a huge effort

a constant reminder of the immense weight I carry each and every day

Ma, it has been exactly 365 days without you being here with us, in so many ways, that is such an incomprehensible thought, as I simply have no clue how and where the time has gone, I know in the speed of this past year, and this past year have also held some of my longest and darkest days, since days that felt like they would never end, days that felt like there was no way I would survive in your absence, days that felt like there was no bloody way I could do this for another day, week, month, let alone, more years

Ma, the brutal reality is that the days had flown by, but most of days without you here, felt extremely long, 365 days seemed to go by in a blink of an eye, nonetheless, I truly cannot wrap my head around the fact that, it has been that long since we saw your cheerful smile, held your soft hands, and were in your loving presence for the very last time, and I cannot wrap my head around the number of things you missed and how much our lives changed, since you left us, as it made me so damn mad, that you could not stay

Ma, this immensely painful personal grief journey started when you were taken from us so unexpectedly and so suddenly 365 days ago, I recall the beginning days as survival mode, as I was not so damn sure how I was going to get through each dark day until that day had passed and I was on to the next one, but it hurt me so bloody badly, when I realised that it took me one day farther away from you, within each and every passing day, I found myself filled with the deepest sadness, and counting the days of your absence

Ma, I have been cling so damn desperately onto everything and anything that reminds me of you, and making it hard to look forward to anything that takes me farther away from you for the past 365 days, we have been keeping your rooms, your garden, and your personal possessions as the same as the day you left our home in ambulance for the very last time, and we also have been carrying on a lot of daily activities that we used to do together as a family of 3, even though our house will never be the same without you

Ma, as challenging as those significant firsts were for me in those 365 searing days, but it was the everyday life that I faced in your physical absence, the hardest, the toughest, and the worst of all, as I walked around the house we shared together in the past 16 years, my heart ached every time I stood at the kitchen sink that you washed dishes, touched those things that you used before, looked at those wooden cupboards that you made, and I was surrounded by countless reminders of you inhabit this space, no more

Ma, 356 days ago, our home was full of love, full of happiness, full of laughter, and just full of life with you being around us, notwithstanding, it became agonisingly quiet and woefully empty with deafening sadness from the very moment we were cheated by the devastating loss of you, even though I could feel your presence all around me, I could see you in every corner of every room in this house, and it was almost as if you were still here, at the same time, it was so worryingly obvious that, you will never ever come back

Ma, there was this permanent wound, and it hurt so damn hard, as it appeared on that the worst day of my entire existence, 365 days ago, no matter what I did, and where I went, it just would not go away, it is in my heart and my soul, where it will always stay for the rest of my life, and I also had this constant pain, it was so bloody intense and unbearable, that would not leave me alone, no matter how many seconds, minutes, hours, and days went by, I realised that this wound and pain will not heal, until I am with you