29 Months of The Weight of My Tears

My heart still holds the same depth of emotion

only now, my tears are softer

a quiet echo of the love that even time cannot erase

Ma, tears were once strangers to me, rare and fleeting, as you knew me, your daughter, so very well, since I was the kind of person who pride myself on my stoic resolve, my ability to hold it together, no matter what life threw at me, and it took a lot, truly, a lot, for my tears to fall, and even when it did, tears were few and far between, which only emerged in the most profound moments, in fact, that I sometimes wondered, if I was capable of crying at all, but then, everything changed 29 months ago, on that fateful day when my world shattered into a zillion pieces, the day you departed from this universe, it was so sudden, so unexpected, and utterly devastating, the dam finally broke

Ma, 29 months ago, in that instant, grief became a part of my daily existence, the barriers I had built around my emotions collapsed, my tears came rushing out like a merciless flood, that I could not control, an unrelenting river that had been waiting to flow for decades, and it arrived without warning, without restraint, raw, desperate, and endless, I cried like I never had before, more tears in those months than I had in my whole life, and I also did not give a damn where I was or who was watching, as I wept everywhere, in the middle of crowded streets, oblivious to the stares of strangers, in the solitude of our home, and in the stillness of night when the silence was so loud to bear

Ma, grief has reshaped me, transformed me, forced me to face emotions, I never imagined could be so damn overwhelming, for so long, my tears were my only companion, each one carrying a piece of my sorrow, an ache for your absence, and a yearning for your presence that had been stolen from me so abruptly, as there was no way to stop, that my tears were pouring out unfiltered, when the weight of your loss, pressed down on me like a suffocating blanket, a manifestation of the love and grief that had taken over my soul, I cried in the car, in the shower, at work, and at supermarket, it was as if my body had been storing a lifetime of tears, waiting for this moment to release all

Ma, there has been no sanctuary, no escape from my mourning in the past 29 months, and grief has a cruel way of rewriting who I am, as the tears became a language of sorrow, that spoke my immense hurt when I could not, my tears carried every unarticulated word, every memory I would never create with you again, and every moment you will never be part of, I grieved your forever physical absence in waves, some gentle and quiet, others violent and consuming, and yet, the world around me continued, indifferent to the storm inside me, the sun still rose and set, people moved on, but I remained in the shadow of my suffering, and drowning in the currents of my own heartache

Ma, now, 29 months later, my tears do not fall as frequently or uncontrollably as before, but the hurt is still there, as tormenting as ever, my eyes no longer brim with tears as often, but the pain of your absence lingers in quiet ways, the intensity of my tears lessened, but tears are heavier, laden with memories, the river of my grief that once overflowed, has slowed to a trickle, but has not dried up completely, settling into an ocean within me, deep, vast, and ever present, as there are days, when I feel like I have found a fragile sense of equilibrium, a way to carry on without you physically here, but then, out of nowhere, a wave of sadness crashed over me, and the tears would return

Ma, 29 months on, I have learned through my tears that grief does not leave, but it simply shifts, changes shape, weaving itself into my daily life, though I may no longer sobbing as I once did, I know that love never fades, and neither does the ache of loss, my tears may no longer wild, but each one is a whisper of your presence, a reminder that you lived, that you are gone, my tears may come and go, but I feel the tears just beneath the surface at times, waiting for the smallest trigger, a familiar sound, an old photo, or a passing thought to bring them forth again, my tears may no longer flow like a river, but my heart still holds the depth of the ocean, one forever filled with love and loss

Ma, the truth is, the excruciating pain of losing you has never left me in the last 29 months, perhaps, it never will, as I still ache for you, still yearn for one more moment with you, and so, I will continue, not without struggle, but with the knowledge and certainty, that whether my tears fall or remain hidden, will always be there, an unbreakable thread between your heart and mine, I will let my tears remind me of you, of us, of the beautiful life we shared, I know those tears are the language of a daughter’s heart, that has loved so dearly and lost greatly, though the hurt is deep, the love is deeper still, and that love, will always be worth every tear, every ache, and every moment of pain