250 Days Without My Generous Mum

Your indefinite absence

looms over me like a dark cloud

casting a shadow on every aspect of my life

Ma, it is extremely hard for us to believe it has been 250 days now, since you were stolen from us, as your awful passing was very much unexpected, although we fully understand that none of us know when we will breathe our last breath, with some families, they have a heads-up, but devastatingly, not this time, and not for our family

Ma, the moment we walked into that damn room and saw you were sleeping in your sweet dreams, I was utterly stunned for I did not know how many minutes, maybe hours, when I realised that I was unable to wake you up, no matter how damn hard I tried, so astonished I was, that I was unable to comprehend the enormity of my loss

Ma, I loathe this cold fact that you left us so soon, and even more so when I know that we never got the chance to say goodbye, 250 long dark days later, I still, on occasion, have to remind myself to breathe, as I realise that I have not yet exhaled, since it has been a hard, rough few months that I frankly think I could not survive at times

Ma, you have been gone for 250 days and somehow my grief is more consuming now than it was in the immediate aftermath of your sudden passing, because I constantly find myself thinking about what you would be doing right now if you were still here with us, and I often stockpile questions I need to ask you as though you might return