130 Weeks of Love, Loss

and Unanswered Questions

The questions swirl in my mind like a storm that never subsides

leaving me searching for answers that may never come

Ma, I have never thought I would measure my life in weeks without you, but here I am, 130 weeks, 130 weeks of waking up each morning, and feeling the same ache of your absence before my feet even touch the ground, 130 weeks, since the world lost your light, and I lost a piece of my soul, 130 weeks, each one stretched endlessly, yet disappearing too quickly, carrying me further away from the last time I saw you, heard your voice, felt your love, and in those weeks, one word has been echoed in my mind relentlessly, a word that carries the weight of my grief, my sorrow, and my longing: Why? 130 weeks of asking why, with every passing day, the ‘why’ only grows louder

Ma, I have spent the past 130 weeks asking countless ‘why’, and trying to make sense of it all, why was your spirited, unique life cut short? Why were you stolen from us so suddenly, so unfairly? Why did you have to leave us so soon, when there was no warning, no time to prepare, no second chance to hold you close? Why did the universe take someone, so full of life, so deeply loved, so irreplaceable? Why did the damn destiny decide your time here was done? Why did it have to be you? I have asked these questions every single day, and every single day, I am met with silence, but I keep asking why because your absence is so unbearable, and you mattered so much

Ma, in the 130 weeks since you departed from this earth unexpectedly, I have asked ‘why’ more times than I can count, I have asked it in moments of agony, in moments of despair, in moments of quiet reflection, I have asked it when I see your favourite flowers blooming, when I catch a glimpse of your handwriting on an old notebook, when I reach for the phone only to remember you would not answer, I have cried it into my pillow, when I ache to hear your laughter, to feel your love, to seek your advice, I have screamed it into the emptiness, desperate for a response, I have whispered it to the sky, hoping you may reply in the rustle of the wind, or the shimmer of the stars

Ma, why? It is a question that demands answers, it is a question that grief insists I ask, it is a question that keeps me tethered to the excruciating pain of your loss, as I have searched for answers in books, in conversations, in the quiet corners of my mind, for 130 weeks, but the damn truth is, answers never come, and perhaps that is the damn hardest part of grief, the damn realisation that some questions will never be answered, some wounds will never fully heal, that some losses will always feel unjust, I have wished that, one day, I will wake up and understand, yet never yielding an understanding, only the aching reality of you are gone, and I am left here, still asking why

Ma, 130 weeks of looking for meaning in the meaningless, for logic in the illogical, and my heart raw with longing for a sign, a clue, a reason, anything to make sense of your abrupt absence, hoping that, somehow, somewhere, my prodigious hurt will reach, wherever you might be, that you might answer me, but grief does not work that way, and it does not offer apology or closure, however it simply is, a heavy weight that I carry with me as I navigate a world that feels emptier, and colder without you in it, because there is no reason that could ever justify the searing pain of losing you, no explanation will ever feel sufficient enough to soothe the enormous void you left behind

Ma, 130 weeks have passed, yet time has done absolutely nothing to cure my wounds, as every day, I hope it was all just a cruel nightmare, that you will still be here, that I will hear your voice call my name, but the brutal reality crushes me, and the ‘why’ floods my mind all over again, I have replayed every moment leading up to that fateful day, asking if anything could have changed the outcome? While I may never stop asking ‘why’, I have also started to ask a different question ‘how’, how can I honour your legacy? How can I make sure, that your love continues to shine, even in your physical absence? How can I celebrate your life, even as I mourn your devastating loss?

Ma, 130 weeks on, I have learned that answers soberly do not exist for some questions, at least, none that satisfy the raw edges of my grief, none that bring me comfort, as no matter how many times I ask, the universe will remain silent, as some losses are too great, some pain too deep to ever be truly understood, why? I may never know, but I do know this, your life, though cut short, was so well lived, your impact on me, on everyone who knew you, is everlasting, your legacy lives on in the memories I hold dear, the stories I tell, the love you gave freely, your life mattered, every smile, every act of kindness, it all mattered, your life, was a rare gift, so I will cherish it forever