13 Months Without My Precious Mum

Grief has taken up a permanent residence in my heart

forever altering the landscape of my emotions

Ma, your love was unique, immeasurable, and irreplaceable, in those 13 months of being a motherless daughter, I have coming to truly understand the depth of the pure love you had for me, and the love I am still carrying for you, it is a love between you and me, a mum and her child, that transcends the physical realm and endures through precious memories, and cherished moments we shared, and I have been reminded of the immense impact this loss has had on me each and every damn day

Ma, during those 13 months of my grief journey, I have been struggling with a deep longing to reconnect with you, although you can never physically return, nonetheless, I have been wondering that another 10 years of your remarkable life would make your devastating loss less heartbreaking? If you had lived to be 100, I would miss you less than I have been? If I said and did all the things that I wished I had, I would have felt less hurting? Unfortunately, the very damn answer is a resounding NO

Ma, the past 13 months, has taught me that my life will never be the same without you my darling Ma, as I have been navigating this painful journey like swimming in a tempestuous sea, the waves of grief came crashing down with relentless force, leaving me feeling totally lost and overwhelmed, the emotional turmoil has been unpredictable and exhausting, the heavy weight of your forever physical absence has been unbearable and intolerable, and my heart has been aching like never before

Ma, as I have been learning how to live my life without you being here by my side, I cannot help but wonder that how different everything would be, if you were still here with us, since you were always a cheerful and upbeat little lady, and an originator of clam in the middle of chaos, you just kept going, you woke up every single day, and did things all day long, both seen and unseen, no matter how challenging, how unfair, or how unpleasant, you just kept going, right up till the moment you could not

Ma, instead of having you to be my dearest Ma for my whole damn life, I have been having grief for the last 13 months, the enormous void, the gigantic hole, and the massive gap you left behind, has been filled by grief, my heart, my soul, and my brain have been plagued by grief, so much so that, it has now becoming an integral part of me, and intertwining with this my new identity, as there has been no your gentle touch to soothe my weary brow, and no your whispered words to guide me through

Ma, I took you for granted because I never knew my life without you, until 13 months ago, I wish that I had appreciated you millions times more when you were here, as I had realised that we never know when it would be our last conversation, our last activity, and our bloody last everything with you together, one night we were watching Strictly Come Dancing, then the next morning, we found you on the floor, and you departed from this earth so suddenly less than two days later, my world shattered

Ma, grief has been holding me captive for the past 13 damn months, my excruciating pain, my tormenting hurt, and my searing heartache has not eased or disappeared, as the tears still soak my face unexpectedly for no apparent reason whatsoever, waves of sadness still wash over me like a relentless storm without warning, at any time, the joys and happiness still strip from me and my lives, and most perniciously, the disbelief still linger, when I think about you being gone forever, FOREVER?