11 Months Without My Darling Mum

As the shock of your sudden departure began to wear off

the immense sadness set in like a heavy fog

and I am overwhelmed by the deepest sorrow that engulfed me

because grief is such an unpredictable beast

Ma, when you slept in your sweet dream forever 11 months ago, it was all too much for me and for days, weeks, and months I have been standing still, remaining in denial by a brutal reality that simply cannot be, and numbing to the earthquake that ruptured and crushed my world as I knew it, all the while, only very few people could understand the constant pain of loss like this, a devastating loss of the one and only unconditional love I ever had

Ma, in the early days of my grief, most people told me that “I will always be there for you”, I thought they really meant it, hence I guess that is why I have been feeling a deep sense of loneliness in the past 11 months, once their gestures became so distant, and the check-ins stopped coming, as I started to question everything, slowly but gradually, I stopped sharing with almost everyone how I am literally feeling, and I learned to be here for myself

Ma, nonsupport from others have stuck with me, and grief have caused me to lose friends, in the last 11 months, as they were so damn afraid of it, that they did not even want to look at me, thus, they drifted away from me, because grief is so very intimidating and miserable to be around, it took their words from them, and crippling their abilities to know what to say, it does invite hurt to talk about it but such pain is more corrosive if it is suppressed

Ma, 11 months on, one of the hardest things about grief, is the immense pressure that I put on myself to hide my sorrow, to tuck my despair away when it gets too heavy for others, to look like I am alright, whilst my heart is aching, because I inevitably discovered that people avoid talking about grief and loss, and the elephant in the room that is shaped like pain, as there is no explaining it, and it is a club I never asked to join, but forced to live in it

Ma, it has been clearer to me than ever that, society does not grant us much permission to share our grief, to talk about our loved ones, or to express our complicated emotions, but I think our culture needs to be far more accommodating when it comes to open up about the subject of grief, as loss has no borders, that transcends culture, class or religion divisions, in which acknowledges our sadness does not make us weak but makes us human

Ma, the excruciating loss of you so unexpectedly, 11 months ago, was so damn painful, but irreversible, so expending all my energy to honour your unique life, might seem like inviting hurt for no rewards, but it has taught me to be a better friend to people, who are living with it too, as I have found new soulmates from members of grief club, that I was thrown into so suddenly, I am grateful for them to welcome, even my broken pieces, are priceless

Ma, now, 11 long motherless months into my grief journey, there have been many people, who do not realise that the weight of grief is carried in my life indefinitely, regardless of if it is comfortable or convenient, it stays always, even when it does not show or talk about, or probably, the lack of vocabulary is not the problem here, because those of us who live with it just need them saying something, anything breaks a taboo that hurts us the most