First Chinese New Year Without My Mum

First Chinese New Year Without My Mum

Your forever physical absence

a void that pierces my bleed heart

a symphony of emotions tearing me apart

Happy Chinese New Year Mum!

Ma, today is our very first Chinese New Year without you, just as many other firsts - day’s, birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays, that end in - y, we are grieving, as we have been grieving every single day ever since you left us here, and we will grieve forever because we love forever, there is no end to our love for you, so there is no end to our grief - not in our lifetime, anyway, we will never get over the loss of you until our last breath

Ma, the traditional Chinese New Year is a marker in time, as this awful year gets closer to the next, we transition from 2022 into 2023 in Chinese calendar, we are so worried about getting through the last day of the year without collapsing under the emotional weight of our grief, and the extremely heavy weight of your absence is making us hard to breathe, as this Chinese New Year simply looks so much different for us who are grieving

Ma, you used to be so busy with following the traditions and customs in preparation of the most important festival Chinese New Year the month before, and now there is nothing but empty space and empty time. It is damn bad enough to wake in the morning not sure what we will do with the day, and now we are digging in our heels, wondering what we are going to do with a whole year ahead, as we are broken, and there is no fix for our hurt

Ma, we are longing to recover the past, as the past was where we felt safe with your love, where we were comfortable with your presence, where we felt good with your support, but our grief is burdening us today, and we fear the new year will not hold anything different for us, since we pine for the one and only irreplaceable person we miss and the precious past we shared, hence we are thinking about how it was, and wish we were back there

Ma, the intense and constant pain we have been experiencing, is making us resistance to accepting the new year, as we are realised that we are entering a year in which you would not be a part of, and we are finding ourselves feeling more alone than ever as others carry on celebrating the Chinese New Year, because there is a poignancy that comes with the passing of time, and nothing feels like more of a reminder of this than the New Year

Ma, time passes without our permission, whether we want it or not, the earth is continuing spinning, and the worst thing about this year was losing you so suddenly, shockingly, and so soon, as we were cheated, we were not prepared, and we ran out of time, since there were so much more we had hoped we would do with you together, and there are clearly no words in the English literature to adequately explain our unfathomable heartaches

Ma, never, ever, we have ever wondered why New Years, especially Chinese New Year, is like a torture for us bereaved families, because they really, truly are, as it would be much easier to lose anything than living without our precious Ma, and that is why New Years are always and forever hard for us grieving children, since love is the most powerful force on earth, and the love between a bereaved child and her/his Mum is a lifeforce to behold