20 Years Without Dad: In Defence of

a Misunderstood Giant

20 years without Dad, 20 years of defending the complicated

beautiful humanity of a man who was so much more than

the fragments people may have chosen to see

Dad, 20 years, 2 decades, not just a big milestone, it is also another marker on a very long, very lonely road, because grief does not wear a watch, and love does not keep a calendar, as grief does not move according to the tidy structure of years, anniversaries, it moves in memories, in quiet moments when your absence becomes unbearably loud, 20 years, however I measure it, it still feels impossible, that life has continued to unfold in all its messy, gorgeous, complicated glory, all without you, and yet, you have never been further away than a thought, a memory, but this is not an obituary, those were written in 2006, eulogies are for the raw and immediate ache of goodbye, for the bleeding hours when people gather to say beautiful things through tears, this is something else entirely

Dad, this is a defence, a reckoning, a love letter written 2 decades in the making, I have spent 20 years missing you, but more than that, I have spent decades watching the world got wrong about you, today, on this anniversary, I want to set the record straight, finally putting into words what I have always felt in my bones for all those years - you were a misunderstood giant, the man who was too big for the rooms people were given, too complicated for the simple stories they try to wrap around you, yes indeed, you were not perfect, none of us are, not a man who fit neatly into the categories the society wanted to put you in, not easily explained, but you were fundamentally, irrevocably, bone-deep good, and profoundly human, I therefore refuse to let others flatten your memory into caricature

Dad, here is my defence, my testimony, submitted with every ounce of conviction I have, because you were misunderstood, except by me, but people did not see what I saw, they simplify, they reduce, they turn a multidimensional human being into a flat character, a cautionary tale, or worse, a footnote, you were none of those things, to the outside world, you were a man who had opinions, who had a way of making other notice you, even when you were not trying to be noticed, as they mistook your principles for inflexibility, your seriousness for coldness, because you never complained, they assumed you had nothing to complain about, because you never showed your wounds, they assumed you did not have any, and because you never asked for help, they assumed you did not need it

Dad, that is the thing about a misunderstood giant, most people never bothered to look up to see you, as the world only sees the surface, but I saw the depths, I saw the man beneath it - a giant, here is the secret others never discovered, that you were a giant in the way that matters most, in the size of your presence, in the weight of your beliefs, in the fierce way you loved, you were a giant because you lived in the unspoken rules of our family: you showed up reliably and inevitably, every single day, even when showing up cost you, you never quit, just kept going, you protected your family, you gave us roots and wings in equal measure, not because you gave us everything we wanted, but with everything you had, more than you ever received credit for, and that was their loss, not your flaw

Dad, you were a giant, who cast long, sometime cold shadows, but stand close enough, we could feel the warmth of the body that casts them, however, it has been exhausting, being the only one who truly saw you, who became your secret keeper and your quiet legacy, since I have carried that weight for 20 years, longer, actually, I carried it while you were alive, watching people misread you and mistake your passion for anger and your protectiveness for control, nonetheless, I was so lucky to be your daughter, you did your job, because I turned out alright, better than alright, actually, as you raised someone who knows right from wrong, who has spent every day since you left trying to carry your quite, magnificent, stubborn, colossal love into a world that never quite knew what to do with you

Dad, 20 years is a long time to carry unsaid words, there are so many things I wish I had told you that I saw you, not the version you presented to the world, the strong, unshakeable version but the real you, I wish I had asked you more questions about your childhood, about your dreams, I wish I had told you that I understood, that I knew you did the best you could, I knew the kindness behind your glances, the pride behind your nods of approval, I wish I had thanked you for making things easier for us, you loved imperfectly, but my goodness, did you love, you never said "I love you" the way I wanted you to, but you never missed a single thing that mattered, I saw your love everywhere, that is your legacy, that is what lives on, so if I could break through the veil today, your love was never wasted

Dad, I am grateful that your blood runs through my veins, that when I look in the mirror, I see echoes of your face looking back at me, that your name is part of my story, today, on this 20th anniversary, I want to remember you honestly, and to defend the man behind the expectations, the struggles, the silence, the man who left behind a legacy, a way of being, a love that was felt more than it was heard, 20 years without you, I have grown older than you ever saw me become, I have faced heartbreaks and joys you never got to witness, but not one day has lessened the size of your absence or your heart, I would not trade one moment with you for an eternity of anything else, and I would do it all over again, because loving a giant, even a misunderstood one, is one of the greatest privileges of my life