Two Years of The Quiet Miracle of Survival

Two Years of The Quiet Miracle of Survival

Mum, I may never fully understand how I have survived your loss

I know that each day is a testament to the love and strength you gave me

Me Without My Darling Mum

Ma, two years, two whole years, since you were here, so full of joy, so full of love, so full of life, and we were so damn unaware that it would all change in an instant, two years, since the unimaginable happened, when you unexpectedly departed from this universe, and yet, it feels like it was just a moment ago, that we held your soft hand, saw your cheerful smile, and we were in your loving presence, two years, since my world was forever shattered, the ground beneath me gave way, leaving me in free fall, grasping at anything firmly to steady myself, and somehow, the third year without you stretches ahead of me, and the thought of it fills me with a sense of disbelief

Ma, two years, two full years, a damn unusual mix of forever and just yesterday, two years, how can it be that I have lived through birthdays, holidays, and countless ordinary days in your absence? How can it be that I have survived this devastating loss for so long, without your love, your guidance, your presence? How can it even be that we are now entering the third year since you slept in your sweet dreams? How??? And these are the questions that have haunted me, questions that seem impossible to answer even now, two years, without you here feels so surreal, as if I am watching my life unfold from the outside, disconnected from the bloody real world of it all

Ma, yet, here I am, standing on the other side of two years, and writing this, in some way, I have survived this excruciating loss, that once felt insurmountable, two years of waking up and realising, again and again, that you are really here no more, two years of navigating a world that feels forever incomplete without you, surviving my grief, I have learned, is not a triumph or something I master, but more like a quiet, almost involuntary act, each day that passes without you feels like an inexplicable miracle, how am I still standing? The answer is as complex and mysterious as grief itself, because I never imagined that I could endure such heartbreak of this great loss

Ma, grief is strange like that, the first year was a blur, when I think back to that damn awful moment, that fateful day when everything changed, you, my darling Ma, the lady who gave me life, who had been my deepest source of love and strength, was gone in a flash, as the shock of losing you, without warning, crushed me in ways my brain just cannot process the brutal reality, in those early days, I did not fathom how I could survive this kind of pain, and I did not know how I would make it through a single day, when my heart was so broken, let alone two years, and yet, I have, day by day, step by step, I survived, even it does not feel like living at first, but just existing

Ma, what surprised me most during the second year was how much grief shift, as the initial denial started to ebb away, but instead of relief, there is a deeper, more permanent feeling of your absence, the numbness wore off, and I am left with the raw, piercing knowledge of this is not temporary, and grief was not this foreign intruder anymore, it has woven into my life now, a undercurrent that will always be there, it is an incredibly hard pill to swallow, two years on, the pain of losing you is still here, still aching, there were moments when my hurt is so overwhelming that it feels like the nightmare is happening all over again, as vivid and fresh as the day you were stolen

Ma, two years have passed, there is this damn bizarre sensation of time slowing down and speeding up simultaneously, but life does not stop, even though I wished it would pause in honour of your absence, to acknowledge this monumental loss, still and all, the days keep rolling forward, pulling me with it, whether I am ready or not, the truth is, I do not know how I have survived when every part of me still aches, what I do know is, I survived because of my sheer stubbornness, an unwillingness to let go of the love I still carry for you, because I had to, by breathing through the pain, sitting with the heartache, putting one foot in front of the other, and slowly figuring out

Ma, two years without you, I am still standing, still mourning you, still missing you, and still holding on to you, not physically, of course, but emotionally and spiritually, you are present in a billion different ways, though not in the form I would choose, there are moments where I swear I feel you near, but I still do not have all the answers for, how I have found strength to survive, not the kind of strength that makes me feeling invincible, but one that allows me to endure when I wanted to give up, as I step into the third year, maybe, just maybe, that is how I have survived for so long, through love, yours and mine, so I will continue to survive, not just for myself, but for you, Ma