Two Years Ago Today: Celebrating My Darling Mum’s Unique Life

Two Years Ago Today:

Celebrating My Darling Mum’s Unique Life

Mum, you were a lifetime of memories, while that day we celebrated you

it could never capture all that you were

all that you meant, and all that you left behind

My Beautiful Mum

Ma, two years ago today, we gathered to celebrate your unique life, a life so rich, a life that was irreplaceable, unforgettable, and remarkable, and a life that was impossible to capture its essence in just a single day, a day I never imagined would come so soon, that filled with so many “never thoughts”, as we were forced to buy items, I never thought we would need, write a piece I never thought I would have to pen, sit in the front row of a ceremony I never thought I would attend, and give a speech I never thought I would have strength to deliver, somehow, we did, we had to, every purchase, every object, and every small decision, was a step further into a brutal reality of your absence, I was not ready to accept

Ma, in the days leading up to the service, I was tasked with writing a eulogy, a tribute, that I never anticipated to compose, it was the most difficult piece I have ever written, how do I fit a lifetime into a few paragraphs? How do I capture your extraordinary spirit, in a handful of sentences? How do I express your strength, your sacrifice, and your quirks with the right words? How do I describe you, the greatest lady, who raised me, loved me unconditionally, and shaped who I am? As I wrote, I struggled, and desperate to do justice to the incredible lady you were, the words did not come easily, but came from my heart, despite how damn hard I tried, yet, every word felt inadequate, every sentence felt incomplete

Ma, on that day, I found myself sitting in a place I never wanted to be, and I never thought I would occupy, the front row of the service, a seat reserved for the closest family members, the ones whose loss is felt most profoundly, I remember how strange and surreal was, that front row, where I saw everything, but where nothing made sense, the entire room felt both too big and too small at the same time, that seat, where the reality hit me the hardest, as I was surrounded by faces of those, who loved you, but feeling more alone than ever, and it seemed like the weight of the world was on my chest, unable to fully comprehend that was a moment, where life and death met, which felt both tender and cruelly final

Ma, and then, there was the speech, as I stood up in front of everyone, my bleeding heart was pounding, the words that caught in my throat, but I looked at you, took a deep breath, and in that moment, I felt closer to you than I ever had before, and I could almost hear you whispering, "You have got this, Rongrong", and so, I spoke, giving that speech was one of the bravest things I have ever done, talking about you in the past tense, sharing memories of you instead of making new ones, although I practiced it over and over, but nothing could prepare me for delivering those words in that room, however, the tears flowed freely, so did the smiles, because even in the sadness, there was thrill in celebrating you

Ma, as we remembered you, my heart ached not just for you, but your son, my big brother, who was thousands of miles away, unable to stand by my side, to share this burden in the tears and in the memories, to hold my hand, and to honour you, our Ma together, and that vacant space, felt like an added weight on an already heavy heart, as I know how much he wanted to be there, how deeply he felt the loss, how much you loved each other, and how close you were, on that day, I could feel his absence in every moment, it felt like the family circle was incomplete, like a piece of your story was missing, because he was not there to tell, and like another loss within the loss, an emptiness within the emptiness

Ma, there were too many others also missing, your family and your close friends, who had been such an integral part of your journey, who knew you best, who laughed and cried with you, and who shared countless moments with you, since they all wanted to be there, to sit with us in our sorrow, to mourn your loss, and to pay tribute, but could not cross borders or leave behind the circumstances that kept them apart from us on that day, and it meant that the room was filled with fewer people than you deserved, so in that small private gathering, we were left to carry not just our love, our memories, and our grief, but theirs as well, those absence reminded me that just how much this moment did not make sense

Ma, two years have passed, but that day remains etched in my memory as both a blur and a vivid recollection, the most challenging part of that day was not the speeches, or even sit in that front seat, it was the silence that followed the words, the silence that filled the room, it was the moments in between when there was nothing left to say, nothing left to do, it was knowing that you were so much more than one single day, more than one ceremony, and it was the finality of it all, your life was unique, and so was the way we celebrated it, because it was personal, it was perfect, and it was ours, we celebrated you on that day, and in truth, I celebrate you every day, and that, I believe, is the truest celebration of all