Seven Months Without My Incredible Mum

Seven Months Without My Incredible Mum

Losing you has been the most devastating event in my life

you were not just my Mum but also my hero

my rock and my source of unconditional love

Unforgettable Memories

Ma, I had never ever known that mother loss would be this heartbreaking, devastating, and excruciating, until 7 months ago today, despite me being almost 50 years old, yet one thing I have learned is that no matter how much time pass or how old I get, I will never ever stop missing, needing, and craving your unequivocal love, unwavering support, and unreserved dedication, especially, whenever I look at you and your unique life, I do not think about you in terms of measurements, because it is rather impossible, to quantify precisely how much of a factor, a feature, or an influence you in my life was, it is a seemingly impossible task

Ma, you were simply the best Ma any child could ever ask for, I was extremely proud to be your darling daughter and immensely lucky to have you as my dearest Ma, I know that not everyone can say that about their mothers, and I am tremendously grateful for the lessons you allowed me to learn on my own, for letting me make mistakes and fall, so I could learn the right way and depend on myself to get up again, for teaching me to have inner strength and courage, so I could understand what it is to work hard and what it means to never give up, for giving me chances to grow, so I could find ways and have opportunity to succeed

Ma, 7 months on, you have undoubtedly been a top charter for all of my recalled memories as I am still feeling the space you took up in the world, and the walls of my scarred heart is still swelling with the enormous emotions you made me feeling, also I am still experiencing your larger than life personalities every time you made a room exploding in laughter, or the silence is still falling whenever you my quiet giant had some wisdom to bestow upon those fortunate enough to hear it, and I am still thinking of I could told you that I love you millions of times, but it would still felt those words were not big enough or said frequently enough

Ma, it is not enough to wish I had known that Saturday we watched Strictly Come Dancing would be the very last time we did normal day to day activities together, it is not enough to wish I had gone out walking with you more often, so I could share more precious moments with you, it is not enough to wish I had listened to you and talked with you more often, so I could have more knowledge and insight from you, still and all, I felt safe and loved, known and seen, since I appreciated that even if I did not know what I needed, you would always know, a nudge of belief or a bowl of hot soup for my cold, you just knew, like all Mums do

Ma, ever since you left me so abruptly 7 months ago, I have been keeping so many things to myself, as whenever I turn towards you to share anything, I then realise you are here no more, it the fact that I cannot ask you for anything that makes me miss you all over again, I truly never learned what the words ‘I miss you’ were, until I reach for your hand and it is no longer there, I have been missing how you filled our tummies with the homemade delicious foods with your endless love and your joyful smile, because there is no one can make food the way you made, it cannot be replicated, it is impossible, as no one else has your smile

Ma, sadly but true, you will never again remind me that, I would be your baby daughter, no matter how old I get, I will never again hear “I told you so”, I will never again have you, who unapologetically and excessively protected me, I will never again hear my nickname roll off your lips, in your voice, wrapped around that infectious smile that was always on your face, I have lost so bloody much in losing you my beautiful Ma, as I have lost my language, only you understood, because there is no one else speaks it and they never will, I have learned now that, I am never too old to need you my Ma, there is no such thing as too much love

Ma, your unconditional love never ends, even when you departed from this world 7 months ago, for the reason that I know how extraordinary and amazing you were to me, for putting my needs and your family first at all times, for showing me that kindness and generosity is free, for giving me freedom and allowing my independence to flourish, for wiping my tears and being there for me when I needed you most, for being so strong and resolute, so I had someone to look up to, and I have now realised why you always told me to be resilient and persistent, because you knew one day I would need the strength to bear your awful loss