Second Mother's Day Without My Mum

Second Mother's Day Without My Mum

Mother’s Day is a poignant reminder that I am a motherless daughter

who have lost my precious mum

it is a day evokes a deep sense of her irreplaceable absence

Mum, Faxi & Me

Ma, as the calendar flips to another Mother's Day, the damn simple truth settles in, there is no denying that not having you, my precious mum, for the second year in a row on this day downright sucks, as it is a day dedicated to celebrate mothers and their maternal love, and a day designed to toast the unique bond between mothers and their children, but the damn unfiltered reality is that this is a day brings a whole damn set of indisputable challenges for me to overcome in your indefinite physical absence, and my yearning for a connection that is no longer attainable becomes especially poignant

Ma, the first Mother's Day without you was so damn raw, as I was so damn devastated and so grief-stricken by your sudden departure, this second time around, is no less painful than one year ago today, instead of the numbness that accompanied the initial shock, the damn persistent ache in my heart is intensified, the damn hollow void left by your grievous loss is widened, and the damn deep wound in my soul is reopened, when the bloody scab peeled away, exposing the damn tender, still mending tissue beneath, therefore, what should be a day of a special occasion, now is incredibly crushing

Ma, the passage of time, marked by milestones like Mother's Day, serves as a bloody stark and relentless reminder of the permanence of your absence, as negotiating the damn lead up to this day is a minefield of unsettling triggers, a glimpse of a mum and daughter duo in the coffee shop, the sight of a card aisle in the store, a bombardment of advertisements on the airwaves, the posts of happy families on social media platforms, or the sound of people discuss their plans for the day, each bloody instance that inadvertently rubbing salt into my damn injury, everywhere I turn, there are evocations

Ma, there is unspoken sadness that accompanies the damn arrival of this second Mother's Day, when you are no longer physically present, as today is a damn day that highlights not only your terrible absence, but also the acute loneliness that comes with it, just when there is no mother to chat, no mother to write a heartfelt card to, no mother to share laughter, no mother to shower with affection, or to bask in the warmth of your comforting hugs that only a mother could provide, a damn notification of what once was and what is now disturbingly missing, that deepen the sense of loss and isolation

Ma, as I reminisce about past Mother's Days spent in your marvellous company, nostalgia becomes a double-edged sword, while those memories are treasured and cherished, also can never be replicated, the joyous moments, the shared meals, or the delight of us being together, are now turns into a damn hurt that cannot be soothed, for the second time, your abominable absence is becoming more pronounced, and the presence of grief is frightfully potent on this day, when the sting of your awful loss is sharp, cutting through the facade of normalcy, and baring the lesion that refuses to cure

Ma, Mother’s Day informs me that I am forever a motherless daughter, and I will always be a member of this damn odious club, because of this, for the second consecutive year, I am slapped in the face with how long you have been gone, I am kicked in the gut for how long it has been without you by my side, and I am brought down to my knees by what you have missed, specifically, today is supposed to be a day I express my appreciation and gratitude to you, even though I know that I can celebrate your extraordinary life, and I unfailingly will, but it is definitely intolerable to spend this day alone

Ma, this second Mother's Day without you, feels like a continuation of an uninvited journey into a bloody world marked by the heartbreaking loss of you, as the damn gaping hole you left behind remains an unwavering presence, typically during times like this, only magnifies the damn vacuum in our house that can never truly be filled, the damn space you occupied in my life that can never be replaced, because grief does not vanish after x amount of time, it is always here, the excruciating pain of losing you never goes away, the ache will always exist even on a day that is meant to be a happy one