My Third Birthday Without My Darling Mum: A Day Forever Changed

My Third Birthday Without My Darling Mum:

A Day Forever Changed

Mum, thank you for giving me the gift of life, for loving me endlessly

and for being the most extraordinary Mum I could ever have asked for  

My Beautiful Mum & Me

Ma, today is my third birthday without you, my beautiful, remarkable, irreplaceable Ma, as my birthdays used to be a day of joyous celebration, a day of gratitude for love shared with family, and the way you made me feel so incredibly cherished, but now, in your tormenting absence, my heart refuses to let me celebrating, when the greatest lady, who gave me life is no longer here to share it with me, who made every birthday special simply by being part of it, each birthday since your sudden passing, has been a day of reflection, mourning, and longing, a date on the calendar that has become heavy with sorrow, that feels as if a piece of my soul is missing, and no amount of well-wishes can fill that void

Ma, each year, as this date approaches, I feel the weight of your searing absence pressing down more intensely, since my birthday has a strange way of magnifying your excruciating loss, so much so that, I soberly cannot bring myself to celebrate in the way I once did, not without you anyway, because you were not just part of my birthdays, you were my birthday, you were the reason I had birthdays to begin with, you were the first voice to wish me well, you were the heart of every birthday I have ever known, the mere thought of cake, candles or party feels hollow and so damn wrong, as if I am betraying your memory by trying to find enjoyment, on the very day I was born, that now feels so tied to loss

Ma, my first birthday without you, came just under three months after we unexpectedly lost you, it was too soon, too raw, too much to bear, too painful to even imagine celebrating, as there was no cheerful "Happy Birthday!" from you, no sparkle in your eyes when you made me feel like the most important person in the world, only an endless ache, and unrelenting, suffocating grief, all I wanted was you, the one person I could never have again, the finality of that cruel reality utterly broke me, that day, I cried my heart out, from the moment I woke up to the second I finally fell into an exhausted sleep, and in between, I sat in the haunting silence of your absence, it was the hardest birthday of my existence

Ma, from that first heartbreaking birthday onward, I knew then that this day would never be the same again, it is not just your insufferable absence that hurts, but the profound change it has evoked to this day and so many others, how could I? How could I celebrate the day I came into this world when you, who brought me here, who gifted my life and who loved me more than anyone else ever could, were with me no more? How could I be happy, blow out candles, or make wishes when you, who always made birthday unforgettable and magical, were here no more? Because you did not need extravagant gifts or grand gestures, but the devotion, love and care you poured into every birthday, were enough

Ma, now, here I am, facing my third birthday without you, it does not feel any easier, as my tears still come, and the yearning for your presence is just as strong, because time has not healed my wound, it has only made me more aware of its permanence, and your absence is the loudest thing on this day, the quiet feels oppressive, though I can still hear you in my mind, saying, “Happy Birthday, Rongrong” with that love in your voice, but the brutal reality of you not being here is inescapable, and it breaks my heart over and over again, so I wish that I could skip over the day entirely, to bypass the pain that comes with it, but it does not work like that, since grief exists all the time, including days like today

Ma, you were not just my mother, you were my cheerleader, my rock, and my guiding light, you were not just present in my lives, you were the heart of my life, though that heart beats differently now, it still beats with the rhythm you gave me, and it will forever beat within me, you were the creator of memories, as every moment with you was alive with meaning, and you were the person, who made me feel seen, loved, and understood in a way no one else ever could, yes, I am grateful for the years we had, for the birthdays we spent together, but gratitude does not cancel out grief, and I ache for the years, I will not get to share with you, my birthdays will never be the same, and I have come to accept that

Ma, to the world, it is just another birthday, but to me, this day is about remembrance, and a time to celebrate you, to honour your presence in my life, even as I mourn your absence, so on this birthday, I light a candle for you, not on a cake, but as a symbol of your light that still guides me, I sit with my grief, allowing myself to feel every emotion loss, gratitude, and sadness, maybe even a small smile at the thought of you, yet this day is yours as much as it is mine, because without you, there would be no me, and you made not just my birthday, but every day worth celebrating, you were, and always will be, the most precious gift I ever received, for as long as I live, I will carry this ache, and I will love you