My Second Birthday Without My Mum

My Second Birthday Without My Mum

Mum, your love continues to inspire and uplift me

even in your absence, as my tears, pain, and heartache

is a testament to the precious times we shared

Mum & Me on My Birthday in 2010

Ma, the passing of time, brought me to this significant milestone yet again, today, it is my second birthday without you my darling Ma, I am finding myself grappling with a profound sense of loss, my permanently wounded heart has been aching with the persistent pain of your absence, each and every damn day, ever since you were stolen from us so suddenly, but I am feeling millions times worse, especially on the day that celebrates my existence

Ma, my first birthday without you last year, only less than 3 months after your unexpected passing, was undeniably an intensely raw and exceedingly inconsolable experience, and today, on the second one, your plaintive absence is looming large, the deep-rooted hurt in my soul, has been a constant reminder that things will never be the same, life continues to move forward, but this special day is a poignant reminder of the enduring love we shared

Ma, the love between you my precious Ma and me your baby daughter, is unparalleled and exclusive, it is a love that began before I was even born, nurtured throughout my lives, and continues to grow even after you are gone, it is a love so vast and so deep, that it implicitly defies any attempt at description, your love and presence in my life were foundational, and your guidance and counsel were steady and true, providing a base of which I built my life

Ma, having you as my Ma, just seemed a permanent part of my life’s architecture, but now, with every passing day, week, month and year, you become more and more of a historical persona, something belonging to the past, yet, you also remain disconcertingly present, as vivid in my mind as if I had seen you a minute ago, and I have realised that it is your habits and mannerisms, that remain seared into my soul and my being, more than anything else

Ma, as the calendar is turned another page, on my second birthday without you, the large hole and the palpable emptiness, your forever absence has left in my life is unmistakable, things that had once seemed stable and predictable were instantaneously in turmoil, as my daily routine, my sense of security, and even my understanding of the world, have been so damn uncertain, unknown, and unpredictable, grief stubbornly refuses to leave me alone

Ma, today, on my birthday, I am feeling so much heavier than any other day, in some ways, it is a heartsick time when memories of you resurface with great intensity, those memories, though priceless, carrying the immense weight of my sorrow, from the joys of my childhood to the more complex moments of my adulthood, each memory is a very valuable thread, in the fabric of my life, hence, I have been holding them so damn close and so damn dearly

Ma, I do not look forward to my birthdays anymore, I cannot celebrate my birthdays without you, indeed, I am grateful to be alive, but my dearest Ma, one of the greatest gifts, that you gave me was your unconditional love, you had a distinct way of making me feel so special, so loved, and so adored, the damn truth is, you did this everyday, not just on my birthdays, I need you, not just today, but always, as there is simply no damn substitute for your love