Mum, 3 Years Today, And Still, You Never Said Goodbye

Mum, 3 Years Today, And Still

You Never Said Goodbye

Mum, you never said goodbye, and now we understand why

because you are still here, still loving, still deeply, intimately part of our lives

My beautiful Mum

Ma, 3 years ago, today, you left us, it was sudden and unexpected, just like that, there was no warning, no slow letting go, no last conversations, no final look, no time to prepare, and no opportunity to memorise the lines of your gorgeous face, before you slept in your sweet dreams, without even a whisper of farewell, like a breath drawn in but never released, and for a very long time, that haunted me, I struggled with the silence of it, the lack of closure, I ached for the goodbye we were robbed of, I carried the excruciating pain of your absence, like a question that had no answer, why we did not get to say goodbye to you, or to tell you everything we needed you to hear?

 

Ma, 3 years without you, a lifetime still to come, a number simply feels impossible, at first, I replayed those final days, over and over again, searching for something I missed, a sign, a message, a clue that you knew you were leaving us, but there was nothing, utterly nothing, just an ordinary day that became the worst day of my entire existence, just you, gone, and it was so damn cruel, how could the universe take you, without giving us a chance, to hold your hand one last time, to hear you calling my name, to let you know how much we loved you? How can time move forward so relentlessly, so mercilessly, when I am still standing in the exact place where we lost you?

 

Ma, for 3 years, I have been wondering if you knew, in some quiet way, that was not really goodbye, maybe you refused to bid farewell to us, because you knew it was unnecessary, maybe you sensed, even then, that your departure was not an ending, but a silent shift, a new way of being with us, without ever really being gone, maybe you understood, deep in your soul, something we could not yet grasp, that love like yours does not stop when your heartbeat did, because you knew it does not terminate with a last breath, maybe you never said goodbye, because you did not need to, because you knew that you were leaving your body, but not your place in our lives

 

Ma, over time, as the days have turned into months, the months into years, in the stillness between your memory and presence, I began to understand, what my grieving heart could not grasp back then, your silence that morning, 3 years ago, was not neglect, but it was a fierce, final lesson to us, that do not waste our breath on farewells, when love has already etched itself, into every cell of our beings, this is not a conclusion, but an invitation to love beyond the veil, that is why you did not say goodbye, because you knew our hearts would learn in time, that real love never truly leaves, and it becomes the air around us, the voice within us, and the spirit in all we do

 

Ma, I spent the first year struggling for breath, the second drowning in sadness, and now, 3 years later, I do not live without you, but with you, just differently, it is so strange, even after 1095 days, you are still here, not in the way we wish with all our might, you are here not as memory, but as ongoing reality, since we have keeping you close not through our grief, but through our rebellion against your absence by living in ways that make you feel so present, as we still hear your voice call out from the kitchen even in quietness, we still feel you even with empty arms, we still see you, not with our eyes, but with our hearts, because in all the ways that matter, you never truly left 

 

Ma, 3 years have passed, the pain of your absence is still real, there are moments that still bring my tears out of nowhere, or silence that echoes a little too loudly, but, your presence remains louder than the hurt, because you already knew my heart, you knew I would grow, not in spite of your loss, but through it, through the ache, through the longing, because you still mother me, in the ways only I can feel, you still show up in sunrises, in the flowers, you once planted that still blossom without fail, while these 3 years have been heavy with grief, I have also become the person you always believed I could be, still full of feeling, still full of fire, still brave, you taught me to be

 

Ma, 3 years, a thousand tears, an eternity of missing you, and yet each day, you prove that your love needs no goodbye, and that is the terrible beauty of it, leaving behind reminders, so strong, so vivid, so present, so today, on this anniversary, we light a candle, not to mark your departure, but to honour your light, and we remember you, as someone who remains, unseen, but deeply known, hence, we will not bid farewell either, instead, we will say thank you for still being here, for the years we had, for the love that outlasts time, for teaching us that our deepest bond do not break, and maybe, that was your last gift to us, the unspoken promise that you never really left us