Mum, 160 Weeks of Inheriting You

Mum, 160 Weeks of Inheriting You 

Mum, our shared love is a love that cannot be interrupted by your loss

a conversation that continues without words

a guiding hand that is now forever within 

My Darling Mum & Me

Ma, it has been 160 weeks since you unexpectedly and suddenly left this earth, 160 cycles of grief, and the aching process of learning how to navigate a world, that feels permanently dimmed, 160 chances for a moment of news I instinctively knew you would love, only to be met with the heartbreaking reminder, that I can tell you in person no more, in the shattering silence that followed your abrupt absence, I believed a part of me had irrevocably lost, and spinning wildly into a cold and unfamiliar dark, I thought I had lost you, my home, my north star, my most ardent cheerleader, but something else has happened in these 160 weeks, I have found you, not in the places I desperately searched for, but in the most profound, the most comforting place of all, I found you in me

 

Ma, grief is a strange and alchemical process, as it takes the absolute certainty of absence and slowly, quietly, reveals a presence I never knew was there, and in the past 160 weeks, I have made the most extraordinary discovery, that bringing me both sorrow and comfort, I have come to know you through myself, maybe you were always in me but I never realised it until you were gone, or perhaps, it is the ultimate act of love and loss, my heart, breaking into a trillion pieces when you left, has tried to put itself back together, and in its desperate yearning for you, a yearning so deep, it resides in my bones and my blood, it has begun to subconsciously mimic you, as if my soul is calling you back by becoming you, I am unsure which it is, but I am glad I have kept you here

 

Ma, 160 weeks ago, I was left with a wondering ache, were you always here, a blueprint of love and impact, waiting to be revealed? Did I resemble you closely all along, the potential for your voice, your mannerisms, your spirit, waiting for the context of my own existence, to give an expression? Was your kindness, your strength, your unique way of moving through the world, always sleeping within me, and your devastating loss was the catalyst that woke it? Is my soul, crushed by your absence, longing for your presence so intensely, that it has reconstructed you from memory, piece by piece, pulling forth your essence, and overlaying it onto my own actions? Or has it been my attempt to keep you near me by becoming more like you? Perhaps it is all these things at once 

 

Ma, it has been my psyche’s rebellion against a world, that took you away mercilessly, 160 weeks ago, if I cannot have you beside me, then, I will carry you within me, it is a beautiful, poignant thought, that love and loss could sculpt my behaviour into a living homage of you, as the discoveries keep coming, each one a nostalgic revelation, it has become an almost daily discovery, in the stubborn set of my jaw, when facing a challenge, echoing your quiet resilience, in the unanticipated burst of laughter, sounding so much like your joyful chime it would momentarily steal my breath, and in the way I nurture, worry, fiercely protect those I love, though it does not fill the space was emptied the day you were stolen from us, it does remind me, that our bond is surely not served

 

Ma, I am so glad that I have found you in me, and that is the heart of it, amidst my deepest sorrow, this discovery has been a source of immeasurable comfort, and even wonder, as it has transformed the landscape of my grief, whenever I look in the mirror and I see more of your expressions looking back at me with each passing day of these 160 weeks, as I found you in my voice, when I surprisingly hear the same tone or that specific inflection that used to come from your lips, that always sounded like home, and it startled me, that stopped me in my tracks, because it was so unmistakable, so eerily and so aesthetically you, as if for a moment, you had breathed a word through me, that made me feel like you are still present, in the cadence I never realised I had inherited

 

Ma, then, I found you in my mannerisms, these instinctual movements, that once belonged to you, but now live in me, it is as though the silent language of you, that came to life in me without thought, like echoes of you that were always there, waiting to be noticed, as I often catch myself repeating your old sayings, making your favourite recipes with the same care, when I speak like you, move like you, even think like you, I smile through the tears, and so, I learn to greet these echoes not with a fresh wave of pain but with a grateful welcome, it is a dance that continues beyond the physical, you are no longer just a memory locked in the past, but an integral part of my present, your smile, your courage, your kindness, your wit, all of it lives on in me, you are in my everything

 

Ma, losing you 160 weeks ago was the earthquake of my life, it collapsed my horizons and left me standing in rubble, but from that rubble, I am slowly building a new world, the most brilliant, sturdy material I have to build with, is you, but the truth is, you were always in me, you are a living, breathing, active force in my present, an archive of your love is coded into my DNA, you are in the shape of my eyes, the strength in my spine and the capacity of my heart to love, because I am a collection of your best parts, refined by my own experiences, and walking forward on the path you helped me start, because this discovery of you in me, is the greatest inheritance I could ever receive from you, I am so incredibly proud of having found you in me, my darling Ma, you are home