90 Weeks of The Lingering Pain of

My Darling Mum's Absence

Mum, you should be here, and in so many ways

you still are, guiding me, loving me and

shaping the person I am becoming

Ma, these past 90 weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions, each one marked by a damn lingering sense of your awful absence, when you suddenly departed from this universe, my whole damn world changed in an instant, life has continued to move forward, bringing with it countless big occasions and accomplishments since then, yet, every milestone has been tinged with a damn gnawing feeling, a bloody inescapable pain that whispers, "you should be here, to laugh with me, to share these special moments with me, above all, to celebrate my success with me together"

Ma, I knew your devastating loss would hurt me deeply, that I would miss you terribly every single day, but in these 90 weeks, a span of time filled with so many significant moments, I have come to understand that grief is not just about missing you during the hard times, it is also about longing for you during the good times, it is about wanting to share every delight, every triumph, every beautiful moment with the very unique lady, you, my dearest Ma, who made everything better, brighter, and happier, simply by being there, and it is about having you to share my entire life with

Ma, your indefinite physical absence has been profoundly felt in every aspect of my life, for the last 90 weeks, the big achievements, the small victories, and the everyday routines, all of which carry a shadow of my sorrow, I imagine how different things would be, if you were here to witness, how proud you would be, since you were always my greatest cheerleader, and how your eyes would light up with absolute joy, owing to the fact that you knew how to toast even the slightest favourable outcome with boundless enthusiasm, as those thoughts bring both comfort and despair

Ma, the excruciating pain of losing you is ever-present, since my life has been indisputably tough, and my heartache has been insurmountable without you for the past 90 weeks, as I yearn for your caring presence, your wise words, and your unwavering support, the level of support I miss from you, is not just practical, but it is also emotional and spiritual, a support system that I am acutely aware of its absence in my everyday existence, and without it, the world feels so much colder and darker, as you had the incredible ability to make everything doable, no matter how daunting

Ma, but perhaps even more poignant is how much I miss you when things are good, these are the moments where your absence is felt most intensely, where my immeasurable pain cut the deepest, where the void left by your unexpected loss seems impossibly vast, when I achieve something new without you, feels like navigating a stunning landscape without a map, I can see the beauty, but the damn experience is accompanied with a sense of being lost, as if a crucial piece of the puzzle is missing, because you should be here, adding your glisten sparkle to every event

Ma, the loneliness that accompanies your woeful loss is something I was not fully prepared for, as the isolation I feel without you here to share good news has been a great struggle in the past 90 weeks, since I did not anticipate the depth of this loneliness, it is a specific kind of solitude, that stems from the absence of you, who was such an integral part of my life, it is an emptiness that goes beyond the physical separation, an emotional void that unable to hear your voice and see your smile, because your vibrant presence would bring a sense of contentment and completeness

Ma, no matter how far I go or what I achieve, there will always be a part of me, that wishes you were here to share in the journey with me, as your presence was a cornerstone of my happiness, that made everything so much richer, so much more meaningful, but in the past 90 weeks, your absence has been felt in every damn moment of doubt, every decision that needs to be made, every new chapter that begins, I miss you every damn day, in ways big and small, yet, my damn pain is a testament to how irreplaceable you are, Ma, you should be here, that is the damn truth