80 Weeks Without My Remarkable Mum

Mum, in the wake of your sudden absence

every breath becomes a battle

a desperate struggle to hold on to the fragile thread of existence

Ma, 80 motherless weeks on, I still remember so damn well about the dreadful moment we received the devastating news of your sudden departure, it felt as though my whole bloody world was shattered into a zillion irreparable pieces, the pain was immediate, visceral, and all encompassing, a damn crushing weight that threatened to suffocate me, with its bloody intensity, in that one horrendous moment, nothing else mattered, except the overwhelming sense of your immeasurable loss, and the utter disbelief that consumed me

Ma, when the cruel hands of damn fate took you away from us so unexpectedly, 80 bloody weeks ago, shock and denial washed over me like a tidal tsunami, my tears froze, my hurt was numbing, and my breathe was shallow, that shielding me from the brutal reality of the catastrophic situation, it felt damn surreal, unfathomable, impossible for me to comprehend the enormity of your unimaginable loss, all at once, I found every thread of connection with you severed for the rest of my life, I was so incredibly lost, scared and alone

Ma, 80 excruciating weeks ago, I lost you without any damn notice, and without any bloody warning, but worst of all, it was at a time in my life, when I needed you most as I was faced with serious illness, so much so that, your instantaneous absence braved me with a bloody indescribable ache that burrows deep within my heart, leaving me categorically speechless and at a loss for words, because there is no damn substitute for you, the greatest lady, the best Ma, who gave me birth and loved me more than any other earthly being

Ma, in those damn moments of despair, I could not help but ask myself "how could you so vibrant, so full of life, and so vital to us all, be gone in a blink of an eye?", I clung to the hope that it was all a bloody terrible mistake, a barbaric twist of fate that would soon be rectified, and my mind was tormented with disorientation, whether you were really gone or my damn illusion fooled me into thinking you are still alive, as I have been falling into a never-ending well of agony, ever since you slept in your sweet dreams 80 dark weeks ago

Ma, in the days, weeks, and months after your gut-wrenching loss, I would wake up in the cold sweat of my woes, and again remembering you are here to love me, support me, and protect me no more, was the bloody hardest point of each and every damn day, there have been so many damn sleepless nights in the past 80 insufferable weeks, where I hoped that losing you was just a bloody bad dream, and that I would walk into the kitchen and find you making my lunch for me to bring to work, thus, I could give you a big cuddle

Ma, in the midst of the darkness, sorrow has been running in my veins alongside my blood for the past 80 stabbing weeks, the blood becoming so rough and scraped up my soul, the burden of grief descended upon me like a heavy blanket, smothering and overarching, and I could not feel anything but a huge void, that seemed impossible to fill, an intolerable pain unlike any other I had ever felt, the world around me continue to spin, but I remain trapped in a state of deepest mourning, since I have been dwelling there to this day

Ma, 80 unendurable weeks ago, the sprightly colours of life turned damn muted, upon your swift exit, and the pursuit of happiness has been a damn elusive endeavour, I now see the world differently, everything feels altered, and I am not the same person without you, like a little lost child drifting, thoroughly helpless and hopeless, it only gets bloody harder as time flies by, there is no fixing this and knowing that as long as I live, I will never see you again, and then, I realise that, you are worth of all the heartache I have confronted