700 Days (100 Weeks) of Grieving on My Terms

My beautiful Mum, my grief is mine to carry

my love for you is mine to cherish and

my memories of you are mine to keep alive

Ma, when you were unexpectedly stolen from us, 700 devastating days (100 weeks) ago, it felt as though the ground beneath me had crumbled, leaving me to travel an unfamiliar and treacherous terrain, without your guidance, but in this damn journey of grief, I have learned how astonishing it is that people have many damn opinions and feel entitled to dictate how it should unfold, so let me make one thing perfectly clear, I do not give a damn what others think about me, when it comes to mourn the excruciating loss of you, no one else’s thought matters, and I shall grieve when I need, where I want, and how I wish

Ma, when your unique life cut short so suddenly, 700 heartbreaking days (100 weeks) ago, life as I knew it had come to a standstill, as the gut-wrenching loss of you, forever changed me, but I refuse to be rushed through my mourning, or be silenced by those who think they know better, because my grief is not something that can be neatly packaged and put away, it is a damn living, breathing part of me now, that ebbs and flows with each passing day, so to expect me to hurry up and return to "normal" is not only unrealistic but also dismissive of my pain, the damn truth is, I do not give a damn about their delusions

Ma, losing you without a damn warning, 700 harrowing days (100 weeks) ago, left a damn indelible mark on my soul, so I do not care if people are uncomfortable with my grief, and I do not give a damn if they get on with their lives, while expecting me to do the same, since you were the most important lady in my life, you were, and always will be, an irreplaceable part of my life, your influence, your love, and your wisdom are woven into the fabric of who I am, to stop celebrating you, would be to erase a piece of myself, and I will not do that for anyone, I will feel your loss for as long as I live, and I am OK with that

Ma, in a world that absurdly pressures me to get over, or move on with my life, I stand firm in my resolve to do neither, I will not be pushed through my suffering, nor will I pretend that the immense pain of losing you has somehow magically disappeared with time, as my grief is not anyone else’s timeline, nor does it follow a set pattern, and my grief is not a hurdle to be cleared or a phase to be raced through, hence I have no damn interest in conforming to their expectations, and I have reached a point where I simply do not give a damn, because I loved you deeply, now mourning your loss fiercely without reservation

Ma, 700 agonising days (100 weeks) on, I have realised that there is no right or wrong way to grieve your poignant absence, my grief is not a sign of weakness or an inability to cope, it is a testament to the incredible relationship we had, and the strong bond we shared, this is my way of keeping you close, of holding onto the parts of you that still live on in me, I will not let anyone attempt to fit my sorrow into a mould that suits them, as people tell me that I am so attached to the past, and I should let it go, I should focus on the future, I should stop speaking about you so much, but you know what? I do not give a damn

Ma, I would not trade the love I have for you for anything in the world, even in the past 700 crushing days (100 weeks), I have repeatedly encountered people, who misunderstand me when I express my grief openly, but that is their damn problem, not mine, so I do not give a damn if others judge or criticise me, because I know in my heart that, this is the way I need to mourn, and no one has the damn right to tell me otherwise, the only thing that matters is how I choose to live with my loss and grief, thus I will carry it as I see fit, and I will grieve in my own damn time, at my own damn pace, and on my own damn terms

Ma, you were an extraordinary lady, and you are worth every tear, every conversation, and every word I pour on the page, you are worth all the time in the world, your story deserves to be shared, your memory deserves to be kept alive, your life deserves to be remembered and your legacy deserves to honoured with pride, because you deserves nothing less, and I deserve the freedom to grieve you that feels true to me, in the end, this is my journey, my heartache, and my tribute to you, I will not apologise for it, I will not explain it, and I will not be ashamed of it, so I will love you and cherish you, always and forever