600 Days of Recalled Memories

Mum, in the dance of treasured memories

I find comfort, it is a dance continues through

the corridors of my heart even in your profound absence

Ma, in the 600 torturous days since you unexpectedly left this world, you have indisputably been a constant presence in my thoughts, and you have undoubtedly been a top charter of all my recalled memories, but most significantly, a top charter in the journey of my life, you, my remarkable Ma, the architect of my existence, the guardian of my soul, the shining star in the vast expanse of my happiness, the source of inspiration and strength in my times of need, beyond everything, your radiant spirit has been the guiding light, leading me through the darkness of my grief and into the dawn of each new day

Ma, for the past 600 agonising days, recalling memories of you and your extraordinary life, feels like navigating a topographical map of my bleeding heart, each damn moment etched into its surface, each emotion a peak or valley in the landscape of my sorrow, in your awful physical absence, I find myself reaching for those memories of the beautiful life we shared, like a lifeline, holding onto them tightly, from the intimate chats shared over cups of tea, the laughter filled moments spent around the dinner table, to the simplest joys of our everyday lives, each of those recollections is a fine priceless treasure

Ma, in the wake of the sudden loss of you 600 shattering days ago, time became a strange and shapeless thing, a river that flows without end, carrying me further and further from the damn shores of what once was, as the passage of time seems to have taken on a different quality measured not in days or weeks, but in the imprint you left on my being, since in the panorama of my memories, there is a figure that stands tall, casting a splendent glow upon the canvas of my life, you, my darling Ma, the space you once occupied in the world, in my world, feels so vast and so empty, and it can never be filled

Ma, it has been 600 crushing days since your abrupt departure, I have come to realise that grief is not just about mourning the devastating loss of the best mum, it is about learning to live with the terrible absence of your towering presence, while hanging on those memories you left behind, and for me, my forever reshaped life is still imbued with the enormity of the unconditional love you bestowed upon me, a mother’s love, a love so pure and so rare that continues to bind us together, though time may soften the edges of my excruciating pain, it will never erase the endless love and close bond we shared

Ma, but alongside the love, there has also been a grievous pain for the last 600 exhausting days, yet, even as I find some kind of comfort in those amazing memories, I simply cannot ignore the swelling of emotions that still resides within my scarred heart, as grief, loss, love and gratitude all intertwined in memories, a deep, visceral ache that born out of the longing for one more moment to bask in the warmth of your adoring presence, one more chance to hear the sound of your voice, and one more time to tell you how much you means to me, a cruel reminder of your absence that I grapple with each day

Ma, perhaps what I have missed the most is the way you always made me feel, in the past 600 horrible days, your irresistible laughter was like music to my ears, and your captivating smile a ray of sunshine on even the darkest of days, in your selfless presence, I felt whole, complete, and utterly loved, though you may have left this world too bloody soon, you may be here to hold my hand or dry my tears no more, as the tremendous hurt of your absence still reverberates through my soul, yet, your precious presence is felt in every corner of my life, in every whispered memory that dances across my mind

Ma, but amidst my persistent hurt and my implacable suffering, there is also beauty for the last 600 tormenting days, beauty in the unforgettable memories we shared, in the love that continues to sustain me, in the lessons you imparted, and in the values you instilled, even in your permanent physical absence, as I navigate the complexities of grief, I am reminded that your legacy is not confined to the past, but lives on in the present, and will continue to shape the future, although the days might stretch into weeks, months, and years, you, my precious Ma, forever remains a perpetual presence in my life