33 Months Without My Darling Mum

Who Knew Me Best  

Mum, you knew that deep within the wreckage

I would carry on even while carrying the weight of your loss

I would find the pieces of myself that you helped shape

Ma, 33 months, that is how long it has been since the world as I knew it ended, 33 months since we lost you without warning, 33 months since the worst day that became the dividing line between everything I was and everything I have become, a daughter before, a survivor after, but not a day goes by without the number quietly ringing in my soul, 33 months, feels both impossible and all too real, as time no longer flows the way it used to, but marks itself by your unexpected loss, by the life I have lived without you, and yet, even in your physical absence, I feel your knowing, because you knew, you always knew, because you knew me better than I had ever known myself

Ma, you knew, even before the world turned upside down, even before I sat in the stillness and in the silence that used to hold your laughter, you knew when you left, so suddenly, so cruelly, 33 months ago, would devastate me in ways most would not even understand, you knew I would scream at the injustice, I would crumble under the weight of not being able to say goodbye, you knew it would strip me bare, would knock the wind out of me, you knew I would drop to my knees, unable to breathe through the burden of your absence, you knew I would wonder how I could ever survive this kind of loss, you knew, because you knew me better than anyone else ever have 

Ma, you knew I would rage at the universe for its brutality, you knew I would replay our last conversation like a cursed film, hunting for clues I missed, you knew I would be crushed by the finality of your departure, you knew I would ache, curling into myself, you knew I would cry without shame until my lungs burned, you knew I would be inundated with the smallest reminders, you knew I would talk to you like you were here, even in the middle of crowded rooms, you knew I would write about you until my fingers hurt, you knew I would search for you everywhere, so you knew, through all our moments, together, you prepared me for this journey without ever saying a word

Ma, oh, how I have, for 33 months, grieved you fiercely and unapologetically, but you knew I would mourn your loss like the world was ending, because you raised me to love, with my whole heart, even when it breaks, you knew I would not hide my sorrow, because our love was so real, and I was never going to pretend your absence has not destroy me, you knew I would speak your name out loud even when others grew quiet, you knew I would tell your story even when it made others uncomfortable, you knew I would carry your memory like a torch I refused to let go of, even when it burned, you knew I would not smile or swallow my grief for anyone else’s convenience

Ma, but you also knew something else, something only a mother could ever know, and you knew I would survive, you knew I would fight with a quiet resilience you planted in me, that I would show up, raw, trembling, but still standing, that I would stitch myself back together, scar by scar, even if the seams never lined up the same, that I would walk through the fire, even when it scorched, you knew I would draw your courage on days, it felt too dark, that I would carry your strength like a second spine, maybe that is why you did not say goodbye, because you trusted that I would find a way, even if I could not imagine it then, and slowly, painfully, breath by breath, I have 

Ma, you knew, in time, I would learn to live in a world you no longer existed in, not because I wanted to, but because I had to, and I am, I am learning how to move through life without hearing your footsteps behind mine, learning how to make decisions without your counsel,  how to navigate the hard days without your calm, how to celebrate my victories, when your voice is no longer here to cheer, you knew I would learn a daily lesson of holding both love and pain in the same breath, missing you and living at the same time, of course, you knew, because you knew me your baby girl, who inherited your stubborn heart, your strong spirit, your inability to love in half measures 

Ma, 33 months later, I still do not know how I have made it this far, but you knew, you knew that somehow, even with bones made of grief, I would rise, holding pieces of you, continue the story you started, because you knew my heart, you knew I would still be writing letters to sky that does not write back, because you were my first home, so because of that, I am bruised, but still breathing, shattered, but still battling, since you built me to last, you knew me, all of me, and today, at 33 months, I honour what you knew, I was your daughter, your mirror, your echo, your extension, I still am, through and through, still yours, always yours, and for as long as I live, you live too