3 Years: An Anniversary of Carrying Your Pride

Mum, when I wonder if you are proud, I know you are

because trying, remembering, loving, surviving, that is the testament

to everything you were, and everything you taught us to be

Ma, today, as I reflect on these 3 years, so often, I find myself returning again and again to one question, are you proud of us for surviving your unimaginable loss? When the voice of doubt creeps in with its cold logic into the cracks of my heart, it is loud, too damn loud, and it makes me pondering if we have done enough, or if we have honoured you as we should, it is a child’s need for approval, tangled up in the profound ache of missing you, but when I sit quietly, when I breathe deeply, when I listen diligently, I hear you, I hear your voice, that guided us throughout our life, the words you spent a lifetime embedding in our hearts, and I hear your answer, yes, you would be so damn proud 

Ma, even after 3 long damn years, that yearning for your nod, your smile, the specific lilt in your voice saying you are proud of us, still whispers, early in the morning, late at night or in the quiet pause after a hard-won victory, but I always silence it with something far stronger, the undeniable echo of your love, of all the things you did say to us, time and time again, in countless ways, words of encouragement, of comfort, of strength, when I really listen, I can hear what you would tell us now, you would be so damn proud that we are still trying every single day, you would be so damn proud the person we became in your absence, because you taught us resilience, and we have been living that 

Ma, each day of those 3 excruciating years, even on the mornings when it feels impossible to rise, we rise anyway, even when grief wraps itself around our necks, and making hard to breathe, even when putting one foot in front of the other, felt like a monumental task, even when the ache feels like too much, we keep carrying it, even when the without you, felt like an abyss, you would see the choices we made to stumble towards the light, however dim it seems, you would recognise our refusal to be extinguished, because, you fought your own battles, with tremendous courage, seeing that same fire, however flickering, burning in us, you would be so proud, that we continue to soldier on

Ma, you would be proud of the love we still give and receive in your absence, because you were the great teacher of love, your heart was our classroom, we were your most attentive students, you taught us that love is everything that matters, it is the foundation, the lifeline, the only thing that binds us, sustains us, and truly outlives us, you showed us how to love, unconditionally, and though losing you made us afraid, for a while, to love again, we refuse to allow that fear win, we love anyway, even the memories that hurt, and when love comes back to us, in the devotion of our family, in the understanding of those, who get it, we know you would smile, because you lived and breathed love

Ma, you would be thoroughly moved that we have been honouring you, fiercely, constantly, for the past 3 darkest years, with tears, yes, oceans of those, when we share your stories, tell your ridiculous jokes, silently feel your absence like a presence, or when little phrases, that suddenly escape our lips, yours, borrowed by our hearts, you are with us in both grief and gratitude, you are never far, because this defiant remembrance is our tribute to you by keeping your essence vibrantly alive within us, is the deepest act of love we can offer, and you would treasure it, more importantly, you would be so damn proud of us, proud that we are still embracing life, seeking beauty, choosing love

Ma, most of all, you would be so proud, that we have not given up, not on life, not on love, not on the belief that there is still hope to be found, there have been days when it pressed close, when the ache of your absence felt heavy and unrelenting, even so, we still fight so hard to keep living, loudly, sometimes messily, not because we are brave, but because we are yours, because you loved us too much to let us surrender, because we feel your hand on our back, gently pushing, and also, because you cherished life so much, you taught us, joy is a rebellion against darkness, a sacred duty, celebrating life, is us honouring the way you lived yours, we know you would be cheering us on

Ma, 3 years without you, when I wonder if you are proud, I already know the answer, in the rhythm of my own heartbeat that first learned its pace listening to yours, as you spent your whole life showing me, and I feel the truth of it, that roars louder than grief, not because life is perfect, far from it, but because we are still here, if you could see us now, still broken but still standing, still living this impossible life, still loving through pain, you would tell us, what you always said: “I am proud of you”, so today, on this anniversary, I say it back to you, we are so damn proud to be your kids, proud of the life you lived, proud of the love you gave, proud of the legacy you left in us, that keeps us going