27 Months On: A Heart Full of Wonder

for My Darling Mum

Mum, the wondering is our way of staying connected to you

of keeping you alive in our hearts and our minds for the rest of our lives

Ma, it has been 27 months since you unexpectedly left us, and not a moment has gone by without you in my thoughts, grief has a curious way of reshaping time, it feels like you were here just yesterday but the weight of your loss makes these months feel like an eternity, as time stretches on, the rawness of my ache has softened a tiny bit, but the longing remains, ever-present, ever-persistent, in your absence, my heart lost in a sea of endless questions, that swirling through my mind, unbidden, unanswered, unresolvable, yet always there, and I often find myself caught in a web of wondering, I wonder about you, about us, I wonder, I wonder, I wonder again, and I wonder too much for a world without your presence

Ma, the wondering never stops, as it has been filling the quiet moments, sneaking into my soul, and lingering in the spaces where your infectious laughter used to echo, for the past 27 months, I wonder if you truly knew how much you were loved, if you felt the enormity of our love for you, even in our imperfect ways, this is the question that haunts me the most, keeping me awake at nights, I hope, with every part of me, that you did, I hope you saw it in the way we clung to your words, the way we needing you all the time, even as we grew older, simply because you were the centre of our universe, the heart of our family, the glue held us together with your wisdom, and the light brightened even our darkest days

Ma, grief has a strange way of making me doubt, in the last 27 months, I question if we did enough, since I often wonder if we showed you enough of our admiration and gratitude for you, I wonder if we told you enough about how deeply we cherished you, in your lifetime, if we made you feel as special as you made us feel, the truth is, I suppose you did, you were intuitive, always attuned to our feelings, but only now, we have totally grasped the depth of your sacrifices, the selfless ways you displayed your love, through every meal you cooked, every worry you shouldered, every moment you made comfortable for us, I wish I could go back and tell you, “Ma, you are everything, and I appreciate you beyond measure”

Ma, I have been wondering where you are now, ever since your abrupt departure from this earth 27 months ago, it has been a poignant question without an answer, but I cannot help but wonder, I wonder if you are near, even we could not see you, if you feel us reaching for you in our mourning, or if you watch over us, smiling at the milestones, and weeping at our sorrows, with the same love and pride you always showed, nevertheless, I wholeheartedly hope you are somewhere you deserve, a tranquil place as radiant as your spirit, where you relive your happiest memories, or creating new ones in a realm beyond our understanding, and yet, I wish, selfishly, that you were here, with us, right now, where you belong

Ma, 27 months on, your sudden passing has profoundly changed our lives, I wonder if you know how much we miss you each and every day, not just in grand moments, but ordinary ones, the chats shared across the dining table, or the jokes over something silly, I wonder if you realised how your absence has created a void, no one else could ever fill, and I trust that, somehow, you did, I wonder if you see how often I look up at the stars, imagining you are the brightest one, that shining down on us with the same light you gave in life, missing you, have made me more aware of how much you meant to us, still, I wish that I could tell you one more time, as if saying now could somehow reach you wherever you are

Ma, the hardest part of losing you, is the unimaginable pain that I have endured for the last 27 months, I am just barely holding on at times, and then, there are deeper questions, so I wonder why life is so unfair, why you had to leave us before we were ready, I wonder how I am supposed to fumble through life without you, how I will ever get used to this new reality, I wonder if you would comfort us now, in our grief, what advice you would give us when the sadness threatens to take over, as you knew what to say, always had the right words, thus, if you can hear me, I hope you see and feel our devastation in every tear we shed, in every smile we force through the ache, and in every moment we carry you in our hearts

Ma, grief is a journey full of questions, that rarely find answers, it turns my life into a series of “I wonders”, and these 27 months have taught me that, even in all this wondering, there is one thing I am certain of the love between us has not gone anywhere, remains as strong as ever, perhaps that is where the real answer lies, in every memory, every tear, and every smile that your name brings to our faces, we may never know where you are now, or if you ever wonder about us, if you miss us as much as we miss you, and let me tell you this, we loved you then, we love you now, we will love you forever, until the day we meet you again, I will keep wondering, keep honouring you, keep celebrating you with all my heart