23 Months of Struggling to Move Forward

Without My Darling Mum

You may be gone, but your love remains

and it is in this love that I find the strength to keep going

even when everything feels so wrong

Ma, 23 impossible months have passed since you unexpectedly left this earth, and in your sudden absence, I find myself in a place I never wanted to be, trying to move forward in a life that feels utterly wrong without you, and every single damn day has been a struggle to find my footing in a world that feels so unfamiliar and unwelcoming, with every damn step I take, seems to be in the damn wrong direction, leading me further away from the beautiful life I once knew, and you, the unique lady, who meant everything to me, as if I am walking through a damn maze that is constantly shifting, making it hopeless to find my way out

Ma, losing you abruptly 23 unimaginable months ago, was like losing the anchor, that kept me grounded, as you were the one who gave me life, who guided me through the ups and downs, who was always there with wisdom and comfort when I needed it most, but now, in your painful absence, everything feels so damn different, as if a vital piece of me has been irrevocably lost, since the security has been replaced by uncertainty, and the damn ground beneath me feels unstable, moving with every memory that resurfaces, and every moment when I instinctively reach out to you, only to remember that you are not there anymore

Ma, in the early days after your unanticipated departure, 23 unthinkable months ago, I was in survival mode, my days were filled with the tasks of living, such as work, responsibilities, and the daily routines that continue despite my deepest sorrow, but underneath it all, there was a damn constant ache, a damn profound sense of longing for the magnificent life I had when you were here, since I tried to just get through each damn day, wishfully thinking that somehow, things would get easier, yet, as time has gone on, the damn thought of living the rest of my life without you, is a damn reality that I am still unable to come to terms with

Ma, in those 23 unutterable months, I have been learning to do things on my own, to make decisions without your input, and to find strength within myself that your once provided, but it has been so damn hard for me to accept that you are here no more, as I question how to continue living in a damn world where the one lady, who knew me better than anyone else, who loved me selflessly in a way that no one else ever could, and who was always there to support me, is gone in a flash? How to find purpose, when such a significant part of my life is missing? Those questions I wrestle with daily, and the answer feels just out of reach

Ma, with you gone, 23 inexpressible months ago, I was left to wander through a life that no longer makes damn sense without your precious presence, as adjusting to this new reality that was thrust upon me, has been the damn hardest thing I have ever had to do, feels like an insurmountable task, a damn reality that feels incomplete, hollow, and unsettling, it is as if I am living in a world, where the damn rules have changed, but no one gives me the new playbook, as if I am trying to fit into clothes that do not belong to me, nothing feels right, no matter how much I endeavour to make this work, yet, it never feels damn comfortable

Ma, 23 indescribable months later, a damn reality I am still resisting, even as time marches on, since I have been clinging to the past, and the terrific life I had with you, there are days when I am making progress on recalling a memory without breaking down, or talking about you without sharp pang of loss, but other days, I am back at square one, overwhelmed by the enormity of your absence, when it all feels too much and too heavy for me to bear, and there are moments, when I am making headway, and then, I am right back where I started, an abiding tension between moving forward and feeling like doing so would betray you

Ma, 23 intolerable months on, the damn pain of losing you, is still very real, and it probably always will be, I do not have all the answers, and I do not know if I ever will, as everything has seemed so damn wrong without you, but even in this wrongness, I am learning it is OK to feel lost, to long for the life we had, and to struggle moving forward, and it is OK to keep trying, to keep going, to keep living, I owe it to you, because you were always so strong, so resilient, you would want me to channel your spirit, when I take each tentative step to carry on in this forever changed and reshaped world, and maybe, just maybe, that is enough