22 Months of Lessons Learned

from Losing My Mum

Life’s unpredictability teaches us that

there is no better time than the present

each moment is precious

and we must seize it fully, without delay

Ma, life has a way of humbling me with its unpredictability, and reminding me that, there is no room for assumptions or procrastination, it is a bloody harsh reality that I have come to understand all too damn well since we unexpectedly lost you 22 months ago, I had always believed you were invincible, and I had never anticipated a world without you, and in doing so, I neglected to apprehend the fragility of life and the fleeting nature of time, but now, it is too damn late for me to wish we had spent more time together, to tell you how much I love you, or simply to appreciate your precious presence more deeply

Ma, time, once lost, cannot be reclaimed, it is a damn lesson that has been driven home in the most heart-wrenching way in the past 22 months, and it is a damn painful realisation to acknowledge that while you were alive, I often took you for granted, I was comforted by the damn thought that you would always be there, a constant presence in my life, a permanent part of my world, this belief lulled me into a false sense of security, thus, I assumed that we had all the time on this earth, we had endless tomorrows to make up for the yesterdays we missed, I never thought tomorrows, could come to an abrupt end

Ma, life, as it so often does, had other plans, in your cheerful presence, I believed, perhaps naively, that there would always be more time, time for shared meals, for daily interactions, for those small, everyday moments, that create the fabric of our relationship, time to share stories, to laugh, to create memories, and to simply be together, but the sudden loss of you 22 months ago, has taught me that this assumption is a dangerous illusion, as the routines we shared, that seemed mundane but were, in hindsight, profoundly meaningful, those are the things I can never get back, the moments that are lost forever

Ma, 22 months ago, your unforeseen departure shattered that fallacy, and also, highlighted the importance of not stalling, when it comes to matters of the heart, and now, reflecting on our time together, I have realised how damn easy the daily grind of life made me to fall into the trap of complacency, for years, I often postponed heartfelt conversations, and believing there would be a better time, I often delayed expressing my appreciation for you, thinking I could always tell you how much you meant to me later, but the bloody truth is, life does not guarantee us that extra time, as the opportunity to do so is gone

Ma, looking back, I see numberless missed opportunities, and I let countless moments slip by, 22 months ago, in an instant, all the unspoken words, the unshared memories, and the unrealised plans became a heavy burden of grief, as I wish I had been more present, more engaged, and made the most of our time together, I wish I had told you, that how grateful I was for everything you did for me more frequently, I wish I was less busy, or less distracted to recognise the preciousness of your charming company, now, I am left with a heart full of longing for just one more day, one more chance to show my love

Ma, during your remarkable life, I did not fully grasp the magnitude of your influence on my life, as you were the bedrock of our family, a source of unconditional love, and unwavering support, you strength and resilience seemed limitless, which made it easy to see you, as a unbreakable pillar that nothing could topple, but losing you out of the blue, 22 months ago, left me to grapple with the damn actuality that our time together was finite, and it is a cliche because it is so damn true, that we never know when our last time to say “I love you” might come, or we can never be certain when it might be too damn late

Ma, in the 22 months since your passing, if there is any silver lining to this immense loss, it is the lesson it has imparted, this damn lesson, though learned through unimaginable pain, and immeasurable heartache, has reshaped my approach to life, while it is too late to turn back the clock and change the past, it is never too damn late to carry the love and lessons with me, to honour your memory by ensuring that I do not repeat the same damn mistakes, your absence has taught me the irreplaceable value of time spent with loved ones, seizing each moment fully, grief is a powerful teacher, albeit a brutal one