21 Months of The Unspoken Truths of Loss

People failed to tell me

the depth of the grief and the enduring heartache

accompanies such a profound loss

that infiltrates every aspect of my life

Ma, today marks 21 months since the most devastating event in my entire life, the sudden and unexpected loss of you, and I am acutely aware that, no one ever truly conveyed how catastrophic such an experience could be, people often speak of grief in hushed tones and talk about loss in abstract terms, but rarely do they tell me the damn brutal reality of losing a mother, the remarkable lady, who brought me into this world, who nurtured and loved me unconditionally, would leave an overwhelming void that now defines my days, and no words could have prepared me for the persistent ache of your absence

Ma, as I reflect on your indefinite absence of these past 21 months, I have realised nothing could have equipped me for the annihilation it brought into my life, what people failed to tell me was how pervasive the pain of such a loss would be, and no one told me how shocking it would be to lose you so abruptly, one moment, you were here, so full of life, so full of joy, and so full of love, and the next moment, you were gone, the damn precipitousness of your departure left me in a state of disbelief, a surreal haze, where the world felt both hyper-real and utterly incomprehensible, and a damn shock was paralysing

Ma, 21 months ago, the dreadful news of your unforeseen passing hit me like a tidal wave, drowning me in a sea of sorrow and despair, the damn hurt was so raw and so intense, left me breathless and reeling, when people offered condolences, and shared platitudes about time healing all wounds, but they neglected to mention that how profoundly shattering such a monumental loss of you would be, how the bloody world would come to a standstill, how the colour would drain from my daily lives, and how the impact of your absence would be a seismic shift, reshaping my existence in ways I never anticipated

Ma, the past 21 months have been a gutsy journey through the deepest sorrow I have ever known, a journey that has changed my world in unimaginable ways, people often point out grief is a journey, but there are so many aspects of this journey, that remain unspoken, the solitary and personal journey of mourning you, would be so relentless and consuming, and the everyday struggle of navigating life without someone so integral, since the harsh reality of your absence felt strange, as if any moment you might walk through the front door, your familiar smile lighting up the room, that makes my heart stinging

Ma, in those early days, the numbness acted as a shield, temporarily dulling the pain, once the permanence of your absence began to sink in, and with it, the full weight of your woeful loss became unbearably clear, as no one warned me that the initial trauma would give way to a more omnipresent devastation, when people failed to explain to me how isolating grief can be, a loneliness that I did not know existed, as grief has been a silent thief, stealing joy from moments that should be filled with happiness for the last 21 months, because you are not here to share with me, a bloody reminder of what I have lost

Ma, the world around me, is continuing its normal course, while I have been left to grapple with the enormity of your loss in the past 21 months, friends and acquaintances mean well, but their lives go on, and sometimes it feels like they expect mine to do the same, only few understand the depth of my hurt, you were not just a mum, but a source of selfless love, a cornerstone of our family, you were my teacher, my friend, and my everything, however, no one informed me, that my life would never be the same again, when you, my extraordinary Ma, who gave it so much meaning to our lives, is no longer here

Ma, people may have failed to caution me, this kind of loss is not something I can be ready for, nor is it something that ever fully leaves me, they did not notify me the full extent of this journey, but in living it for the last 21 long months, I have discovered the depths of my own resilience and the enduring legacy of your love, thus I allow myself to feel the heaviness of your absence, and to grieve for as long as I need to, I honour your memory by recognising the pain and love that coexist within me, I remember you for the unique lady you were, and I find my way through the darkness, guided by the light your spirit