20 Months of Being Homeless

My precious parents provided that sense of home for me

and without them

I feel like a wanderer, lost in the wilderness of my own grief

Ma, 20 months ago, my whole damn world was turned upside down, I became homeless in the most devastated and unexpected way, when we suddenly and tragically lost you, I was thrust into a damn brutal reality, that I was so bloody ill-prepared to face, although 18 years earlier, my life was already profoundly altered by the passing of my beloved Dad, for all my immense heartache of losing him, I still had you, my rock, my comfort, my support, and my home, but the sense of home I had known for so damn long, vanished in an instant, I have been feeling adrift, and utterly lost in a damn stormy sea of grief and longing

Ma, amidst of our shared grief, in an act of incredible bravery and selflessness, you made a monumental decision to leave behind your homeland, friends and culture in China, step into an unknown world, and sacrificing the life you knew to be with us in the UK, all for the sake of your family, compounded by the very fact, that you could not speak or understand any English, your courage and resilience during this time, were evident in every aspect of our new life, since you just got on with the complexities of daily lives in a new country with unwavering determination, all while grappling with your own deepest sorrow

Ma, your journey from East to West, was not just a geographical transition, yet, despite the daunting obstacles you faced, you created a home that was warm, loving, and secure, you made sure that our lives were filled with love and laughter, you helped us in navigating the rough waters of our loss, and you provided the foundation that kept me grounded, even as you silently shouldered the weight of your own grief, as your prowess to balance your own pain with the needs of your children, was nothing short of extraordinary, you spoke fluently in the language of devotion and endurance, while you struggled with English

Ma, for 16 unforgettable years, we shared a house that was more than just a structure, but a true home, filled with countless wonderful moments, your presence filled every room with a sense of belonging, making even the smallest moments feel very special, every corner of our house held cherished memories, from cozy evenings spent chatting in our living room, to delicious meals cooked and shared in our kitchen, and together, we built a splendacious life filled with happiness and joy, in spite of the shadow of our loss, as you transformed our house into a sanctuary, a place that radiated the essence of family and love

Ma, but 20 months ago, with your unanticipated departure, my bloody world was shattered once more, and in that fateful moment, I became homeless, the very essence of our home was ripped away, and the sanctuary was crumbled, even though I still wake up each day in the same house we shared, yet it feels foreign and uninviting, my newfound homelessness goes beyond the lack of a roof over my head, but it is a deep emotional void, and a feeling of being unmoored, it also highlights the vastness of the universe that separates us, as an overwhelming sense of being homeless, no physical shelter could alleviate

Ma, losing both of you and Dad was a damn blow I never saw coming, a damn wound that cut deeper than I ever imagined possible, and as I combatted with the excruciating pain of your dreadful absence, I wandered through life in a daze with nowhere else to turn, I found myself facing the brutal reality of homelessness, unsure of where to go or how to continue without you, and I struggled to find my place in a world that feels cold and unfamiliar, home for me, was where you and Dad were, but when you followed him into the great unknown, I learned that home could be fragile, easily imploded by the cruel hand of fate

Ma, you and Dad were the heart and soul of our home, and without you both, the spirit that made it a home irrevocably lost, as I have been merely existing in a hollow shell in the past 20 months, not truly living, nonetheless, I am learning to redefine what home means to me, it is no longer confined to a single place, but is carried within my heart, not about replacing the irreplaceable, but allowing myself to grieve while seeking resilience for the future, so in the love you bestowed upon me, I find the courage and strength to continue, to build a new sense of home, one that honours your legacy and keeps your memory alive