17 Months Without My Darling Mum

Grieving the heartbreaking loss of my darling mum

has been a journey that unfolds in the delicate spaces

between cherished memories and harsh reality

Ma, the abrupt and unexpected loss of you 17 stinging months ago, was like a tumultuous storm that swept through my damn life, leaving absolutely nothing untouched, the ordinary was instantaneously eclipsed by the extraordinary, but not in a bloody way I could possibly anticipate, it felt as though I was stranded on a deserted island, fighting for my survival, as it has been so damn hard to live, so damn hard to breathe, so damn hard to eat, so damn hard to sleep, so damn hard to function, so damn hard to see, and so damn hard for me to think about anything, BUT you, my dearest mum

Ma, 17 doleful months ago, when you slept in your sweet dreams forever in the early hours of that fateful day, it was a damn day that created a before and after, dividing my whole life into two starkly different epochs, it was a damn day that changed everything, dragging me down into an abyss of despair and agony, and it was a damn day that rewrote the script of my existence, leaving me adrift in a sea of shock and disbelief, as the suddenness of your departure, the intense pain and the hollow ache of your absence, becoming an unbearable burden, I have been carrying with me ever since

Ma, in the days that followed your devastating loss 17 bleak months ago, grief wrapped its bloody arms tightly around me, refusing to let go, the weeks that echoed with tremendous sadness, the months that felt perpetual and hopeless, and the year that tested my bloody resilience, as tears became my constant companions and my loyal ally, falling like torrent downpour without damn restraint, and the insurmountable hurt of your unforeseen passing upon my chest, it has been more than I can ever bear, each of these emotions has been a damn honest reflection of the love I have for you

Ma, as I journey through this utter darkness, sorrow has been my bloody guide in the past 17 piercing months, grief, with its damn unyielding weight, has radically reshaped the very core of my being, which is an astonishing transformation that I have never ever imagined, slowly but surely, altering my damn thoughts, my damn outlooks, the fundamental aspects of my damn identity, the person I once recognised in the mirror, but now feels like a distant memory, fading in the wake of your immeasurable loss, a reminder of what once was, and an elusive presence that seems just out of reach

Ma, before I knew grief intimately, as I do today, 17 brutal months later, I naively believed it would be an appalling emptiness, but I have since realised how bloody ludicrously wrong I was in that damn presumption, since it is not a lack of strong feelings at all, the damn truth is my bleeding heart and my wounded soul are not vacant, and it has been full of precious things I have never ever hoped to hold, your love, a mother’s love, a pure and rare love, a selfless love, and a unparalleled love that I have been taking with me everywhere, thence I grant myself permission to mourn and to survive

Ma, the excruciating loss of you 17 motherless months ago, has been a damn heavy mass that can never truly be lifted, a damn persistent suffering can never fully be dissipated, and a damn enormous hole you left behind that will always be a bloody part of my life, as I long to find my place in this bloody strange world again, and to reestablish a sense of normalcy, yet, this bloody daily struggle to rejoin life's dance has been undeniably arduous, and filled with countless setbacks, hence it will take a great deal of time to figure out how I can move ahead, adapting to my forever altered existence

Ma, 17 hellish months on, the damn earth keeps turning, but I remain entangled in the web of sorrow, as each and every damn day without you has been a monumental fight, and it is a ferocious bloody battle with grief that continues to this damn day, one that has taught me that even in the darkest of times, I am not defined by my losses but by my capacity to love, though this journey is challenging, the scars of my grief are evident, and shaping a version of myself that carries your legacy with strength and compassion, so it just is what it is, and I am doing my best to face it, with an open heart