140 Days (20 Weeks) Without My Mum

Happiness has been becoming an elusive concept

slipping through my fingers like sand

Ma, 20 weeks (140 days) on, I simply cannot describe the searing pain that I feel, I have a loving and caring husband, but I have a MUM shaped hole that is so apparent, as my heart has been obliterated, broken beyond repair, and constantly aching for you, since a pulse of sadness, a permanent undercurrent, and a perpetual hurt will always be here

Ma, when you were gone, a huge part of me went with you, in spite of the fact that I have been attempting to put the broken pieces of myself back together, but it simply does not fit the same as before, so no matter how long it has been and what I have been doing, I will never ever get that missing part of myself back ever again for as long as I live

Ma, grief has been stealing the person I used to be, and I am grieving for that loss as well, when this person stares at me in the mirror every time, becomes unrecognisable, more or less, I honestly wish I could be who I used to be, as grief has been exhausting me to the bare bones, there is no reprieve, no breaks, no days off from the bereavement

Ma, your number one son-in-law my darling husband, has been carrying the weight of my grief and picking up the pieces I drop, as I am just trying to hold it all together, and he has been grieving for that part of me went with you, since he misses the old me, the laughter, the joy, the happiness, and he wants me back, the same way I want you back