14 Months Without My Charming Mum

I refused to hide the immense hurt I have suffered

I wanted the whole world to witness

the greatest impact her absence had on me

Ma, I was suddenly forced to navigate a new and uncertain landscape, when you were so unexpectedly taken from us 14 months ago, I have been mourning the devastating loss of you my cherished darling Ma, so damn openly, so damn loudly, so damn authentically, so damn passionately, so damn unreservedly, so damn unapologetically, and so damn dearly, because that is the very least you deserved from me your baby daughter

Ma, you were central to our lives as our devoted mum and a wonderful mother-in-law, and you were a beautiful soul who brought light and joy into everyone’s life, so to honour you, I cannot simply go through the motions, or pretend that your passing was anything less than heartbreaking and catastrophic, to suppress and hide my grief, my sadness and my sorrow feel like denying the profound impact, you had on us all and on our lives

Ma, I have been stubbornly refusing to let your departure be a quiet footnote in our lives in the past 14 months, because you deserved so so so much more than that, you deserved a thunderous tribute in the form of my genuine and unfiltered emotions, you deserved to be remembered with all my honesty and veracity, and you deserved to be mourned with every ounce of my being, by showing the world, how much you meant to us all

Ma, you were a remarkable lady, and I refuse to let your loving memory be overshadowed by silence, since I know that was not an option, instead I have been openly grieving your profound loss each and every damn day, for the last 14 months, I have been standing true, unbowed, and defiant, I have been celebrating your unique life, and most pivotally, paying tribute to the extraordinary lady, I had the privilege to call my dearest Ma

Ma, I have been sharing my journey of embracing the raw and frank expression of grief, by giving voice to the depths of my heartache, letting my own story be heard, and refusing to apologise for my pain and hurt, to hold back my tears or stifle my sobs, hence I give myself permission to feel it all, as each sob, each lament, an ode to your grace, every tear I shed, and every tale I told, is a testament to the beauty of the bond we shared

Ma, you were a strong, spirited, vibrant lady, who taught me to always be real and earnest, during my 14 months of grief journey, I have frustratedly encountered people’s bullshit that "Your mum would not want you to be sad", or "She would want you to be happy", though it rooted in good intentions but was so damn limiting and invalidating, and they failed to fully grasp the reality of my grief, to truly understand how our relationship was

Ma, the damn truth is, you knew me the best, you knew me too bloody well, and you knew me, more than anything, while you undoubtedly wished for my well-being, you would totally understand that your excruciating loss would bring me intense emotions, you would know precisely how I would mourn you, and you would definitely want me to grieve in a way that I could preserve your memory and your legacy - in my most sincere way