110 Weeks of Struggles to Reclaim Myself

Mum, in honouring your memory, I also learn to honour myself

the person I am becoming, shaped by both the loss and the love

Ma, when you were unexpectedly taken from us 110 weeks ago, it felt as though my entire world collapsed in an instant, as your loss was so devastating, so immediate, and so damn shocking, I became unmoored, disconnected from the person I thought I was, and the life I thought I knew, yet, what I did not expect was something deeper was taken from me too, a piece of myself that I did not even know I could lose, my identity, a core part of me seemed to be vanished under the weight of my grief, and in that damn moment, I realised that your sudden passing, had not just stolen your physical presence, it had also stolen the essence of my soul, leaving me feeling like a total stranger to myself

Ma, for as long as I can remember, I defined myself by my role as your child, as being your daughter meant more than just a label, it was an identity I knew instinctively, one that I had lived my whole life, it was a role that gave me a sense of belonging, purpose, and knowing exactly where I stood in the grand scheme of things, so much of what I did, consciously or unconsciously, was tied to you, each decision, each choice, was shaped by your presence, but 110 weeks ago, in a matter of moments, I was no longer a daughter, your excruciating loss stripped of that role, as the natural rhythm of my existence disrupted, and everything I understood about myself, and my place in the world shifted

Ma, losing you is one of the deepest, most visceral pains I have ever experienced, but the loss, without warning, amplified that pain in ways I could not have imagined, as 110 weeks ago, I did not just lose a mother, who brought me into this world, who was always there for me, a constant, a guide, a grounding force, and I also lost a piece of my own identity, once so greatly rooted in my connection with you, in our relationship, and so strongly intertwined with the way you loved, with my own sense of self, but now, without you here to reflect that love, that understanding, I had lost the map to myself, and to my own life, the foundation, I stood on for so long, had abruptly crumbled and rearranged

Ma, the heartbreaking loss of you was not only personal, but it was also existential, since I was not ready for the haunting silence that replaced your voice, in that damn silence, I am left questioning “who am I now?”, because my identity had always included you, and now, I struggle to recognise the person I have become without you in the picture, that question of identity has kept surfacing for the past 110 weeks, as I have been trying to find and put the lost pieces back together in a way that makes sense, however, it does not fit the same way as before, and there are gaps, spaces where your loving memory resides, where your pure love occupies, and where your significant influence lives on

Ma, 110 weeks ago, in the blink of an eye, your unanticipated departure from this earth did not just break my heart, it took away one of the most important roles I ever had, being your daughter in the active, living, breathing sense, I am still your child, of course, but that bond changed forever, there are no more shared daily routines, no more shared news or stories, no more shared moments of laughter or comfort, with the bloody loss of those interactions, everything feels different now, simple and little things, have turned into moments of painful realisation that you are no longer here to be part of it all, it is as if I have been forced into a new person, one I was before my grief is no longer relevant

Ma, in the wake of your tormenting loss, 110 weeks ago, I had to assume a new role, one I never asked for and never wanted, as I have become the keeper of your memory, and the guardian of your legacy, every story, every habit you had, every little quirk, I must hold onto and protect, as if the vital part of your spirit has passed down to me, I am now responsible for making sure you are not forgotten, this new identity is formidable, to say the least, a job I never applied for, a burden I never predicted, I feel an intense pressure to preserve every aspect of who you were, while I do it with love, it comes with a damn sense of loss, of both you and myself, as if a part of my life’s blueprint has erased

Ma, I never contemplated that grief could steal so much from me, since I had been robbed not just of you, but a part of me is permanently missing, in the mourning of that dual loss, I have realised this theft of my identity is something I could not reclaim overnight, yes, losing you changed me, without question, while my identity has fractured, I have learned that it is not entirely lost, it reshapes, it adapts, it shows me that, what it means to love, to lose, and to live, I will always be your daughter, who carries the scars of your absence, as I continue to tenderly hold both the brokenness and the wholeness, the slow and torturous process of rediscovering myself, is a reflection of you, a tribute to you