1000 Days Without My Darling Mum

and Yet, She is Everywhere

Mum, you never truly left, you live on in us, in the way we love and support

each other, not as shadows, but as lenses through which we, as we needed

only to recognise how deeply you are still woven into who we are

Ma, 1000 sunrises you did not see, 1000 mornings where you did not greet me, 1000 cups of tea poured, without your joyous laughter ringing through the house, 1000 nights without your hand to steady mine, and 1000 battles fought without you my fiercest ally, and yet, for the first time since that devastating, ordinary Tuesday the earth swallowed your light, when the world cracked in half beneath my feet, I became a daughter, who lost her darling Mum, a girl who stood in the ruins of a love so enormous, something miraculous happened, I felt like a woman becoming her own mother, and a matured adult reaching into the wreckage, collecting the pieces, and building ours again

Ma, today, on this impossible, aching milestone, this unbelievably staggering number 1000 days, something shifted, slowly, quietly, something I have not felt since the very first day of your sudden absence, for a long time, I did not try to reconstruct anything, how do I rebuild from the inside out, when what I have lost is the foundation of who I am? But now, I do not feel like a daughter with a shattered family, instead I became someone helping to renovate it, not to make it what it was, not the same life, not the same family, because that will never be again, but to shape something open, honest, something stronger at the seams, softer in the centre, more resilient in the broken places 

Ma, 1000 days ago, I thought loving you without you here would totally destroy me, instead  it has remaking me, I thought losing you meant our family was completely ruined, because, for 1000 days, your painful absence has been the loudest presence everywhere, but today, as Faxi, Philip and I are standing together, your children, and the man you loved like a son, I am realised that you did not leave us but you rearranged us, your love did not vanish, but it migrated into Faxi’s thoughtful gestures, into Philip’s bubbly persona, into my unwavering courage, into the way we instinctively reaching for each other, when storms come, so I see you not just in photos, or memories, but in us

Ma, something remarkable has taken place, Faxi joined Philip and me from halfway across the world recently, completing our trio, for the first time in 1000 days, I simply cannot begin to describe what it meant, as there were no need for perfect words, but just presence, just love, just a reunion that felt like balm for a soul, that has ached endlessly for togetherness, especially, when I see your loving heart now beats in Faxi’s chest, your care flows through his hands, in the way he anticipates our needs without it ever being spoken, in the way he gently checks on us, he fusses over small comforts, it is all you, as you loved so practically with a depth so immense, and now he does too

Ma, Philip radiates your vibrance, your joy, and your cheerfulness, in his easy charm, in his light hearted spirit, in his ability to find colour, even in the greyest skies, or brightness even in the shadow of sorrow, he mirrors the part of you, that danced through life barefoot, were unafraid to delight in small things, that never needed reasons to celebrate, and me? I have inherited your stubbornness, your resilience, your toughness, the part of you that stood tall when life tries to knock me down, that held everything and everyone together, even when it felt impossible, that refused to let setbacks ruin the day, with unshakable belief, that is your steel, and that strength runs through me now

Ma, today, on this 1000th day, we are not just mourning you, we are becoming you, we are not just remember you, together, we are making up the pieces of your mosaic, we are your living portrait, of course, we are not who we were, when you left us 1000 days ago, we are who you made us, your greatest living legacy, and in doing so, we have rediscovered what it means to feel like a family again, this is not the family we once were but it is still a family, one built by your love, not your absence, one that speaks of you not only in grief, but in the strength we now each carry like heirlooms, because we are your love, multiplied, and your breathing love story, are just starting to bloom

Ma, for 1000 days, I have watched your love transform us, so this is not just a memorial, it is a progress report, we have your love, not frozen in time, but growing, changing, thriving, not perfectly, not without scars, but fully, since we are living in a way that honours the very best of you, and somehow, still, the very best of us, you did not leave us empty handed, as you left us each other, because in Faxi, I see your heartbeat, in Philip, I hear your laughter, in me, I feel your bones, I know that you would be so damn proud, if you were here to see how we have carried the love you planted, maybe, just maybe, this love is what will help us to live through the next 1000 days and beyond