My darling Mum, since we suddenly lost you

I have realised that every word I used to know

no longer belonged to me, the vocabulary of

the living no longer fits the shape of my world

I had to build a new dictionary, word by word

feeling by feeling, because the life as I knew it

has changed, and so must the way I speak of it

This is a private, painstaking, living document

a translation guide between the flat world I must

now inhabit and the vibrant, rich one we shared

a work of sacred preservation, where I replace

the hollowed out shells of common words with

the full, sensory truth of our story, a language

built on the indelible imprint of your presence

This is the dictionary I am building without you

instead of goodbye, I say see you, instead of silence

I say the space where your laughter used to live

instead of home, I say any place your love lingers

instead of I miss you, I say I feel you, instead of

empty chair, I say the shape of your absence

instead of regret, I say the unsaid thank you

This new dictionary is not something I ever

wanted to write, it is born of necessity, of loss

of survival, of the need to give meaning to the

things that can no longer be explained, every

entry begins with you and ends with love, and

maybe, what I have been writing all along is not

a dictionary, but a love story, one that never ends