In the wake of my darling Mum’s sudden absence

grief uncovers fears that I never knew existed

a kind of fear, creeps into every corner of my life

exposing the deepest vulnerabilities of my heart

whispering all the things I am terrified of losing

of forgetting, of being without, I fear everything

I am afraid of living, of loving, or of simply being

One of my greatest fears is as time moves forward

I worry that the vividness of her memories will blur

losing its sharpness, becoming less real, less tangible

and eventually slip through my fingers like sand

this fear makes me cling to every memory, picture

every little piece of her that I can still hold onto

as to forget her, feels like losing her all over again

Perhaps the most frightening thought of all is that

I fear that I will forget how it felt to be loved by her

what it was like to be cherished so completely

or to be the most important person in her world

I am scared that without her here to remind me

I will start to doubt I was truly deserving of that love

that I will start to question its existence altogether

And then there is the fear of fear itself without her

as if fear has taken root in every aspect of my life

I fear the past because it is a reminder of what I lost

I fear the present because the moments she missed

I fear the future because it is she will not be a part of

I may always be afraid of hurting, but maybe that is OK

maybe my fear is just another way of keeping her close