When we unexpectedly lost my darling Mum

my world suddenly stopped, but life did not

the sun still rose, the days still passed, yet

with each breath I took, each routine I kept

the idea that I should continue to live and

go on without her feels wrong, unforgivable

it is a feeling I did not anticipate - betrayal

It is not the betrayal I received from others

but a painful feeling that comes from within

it is a heavy, unspoken betrayal of life itself

as if my very existence without her is an act

of ultimate disloyalty to the bond we had

to the love we shared together, to her who

meant the world to me, and even to myself

Perhaps the hardest betrayal of all is the guilt

of surviving her immense loss by continuing to

breathe in a world that she no longer occupies

as if I am leaving her behind with each new step

an unshakable sense that I am somehow letting

her slip further into the past, turning my back on

her memory, and that thought breaks my heart

In this emotional struggle, even when it feels like

betrayal, when the ache of my heart that does not

know how to go on without her who gave my life

it is really just the cruel reality of life after loss

and it is another way of loving her in her absence

grief and betrayal are intertwined in an odd way

but are both come from the same place – love